The Depths of a Black Haze
by Devi and Tess
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Duo...will the other pilots notice? --This fic is not yet complete!-- UPDATE: For some unknown reason, the chapters were switched around. Don't know why...The problem has been fixed. We're sorry about any confusion.
1. Chapter Two: Crawling

The Depths of a Black Haze  
by Eternally 1x2  
and   
Mystical 1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, nor do we own "Crawling". That belongs to Linkin Park.  
Warnings: Shounen ai, OOC, and Angst!

Chapter Two: Crawling

***  
_Crawling in my skin  
consuming all I feel  
Fear is how I fall  
confusing what is real_

Duo's violet eyes slid open only to be greeted by dark clouds and rain pattering loudly against the window. He sighed and turned over to glance at the bedside clock.   
_'8:00 a.m. Shit. Another morning…another useless day ahead of me…Don't have to go to work…be here alone…why even bother waking up?' _He sighed loudly and threw his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. His hair was matted and coming loose from his braid. He did nothing about it.   
Instead, Duo did what he did every morning. He padded to the front of the apartment and pulled the front door open. From there, he grabbed the morning newspaper and headed to the kitchen. There, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and sat down to read the paper.   
_'Such a great life…' _He thought sadly as he gulped the alcohol and went through the paper. He wasn't quite sure why he read the stuff printed in the periodical. Nothing inside held any interest for him. But it was something to do…it kept his mind of his mind off of his self-proclaimed sad life.   
This morning, just as he figured, there wasn't anything of interest inside – until that one page…that one page the contained an article that caused his self-esteem to plunge lower than ever before. He gasped as he read the title aloud…

__

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming/confusing  
This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending  
Controlling/I can't seem…

~~A Week Before~~  
Heero picked up the phone and before he could even utter a 'hello?' an ecstatic voice spoke through the receiver. "Heero? Heero, are you there?" The excited voice asked quickly.  
"Yeah, I'm here. Quatre…is that you?"  
"Course it's me! I'm so excited! You'll never believe what's happened!"   
"What…?" Heero asked, although he had a feeling he knew what was coming.  
"Trowa asked me to marry him! Can you believe it? We're going to be married…" This was followed by a deep and dreamy sigh.  
Heero smirked. Trowa had mentioned this to him not too long before. "Congratulations, Quatre. Have you told the others?"

"Not yet…I still have to tell Wufei an-and, oh, my God, I am so excited! Heero, I'm going to let you go…I have so many people to tell!"  
"I'm happy for you, Quatre." Heero replied.  
"Thanks, Heero!" A click was heard and then silence.   
The Japanese pilot's smirk faded as his thoughts drifted toward Duo. In his excitement, Quatre had failed to mention the longhaired boy. He sighed and sank down in the nearest chair. He was happy for the couple, but at the same time he felt the strange emotion of jealousy. How he wanted to have that kind of relationship with Duo, but he was almost certain the American pilot would never return his feelings. Heero had been through hell in his life…he'd felt the pain of loneliness and deep self-loathing. He did not want to feel rejection.  
From time to time, he would pick up the phone and try to dial Duo's number. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He hadn't seen his longhaired friend in a long time – not since the war ended. But on the upside, he figured, at least they would see each other at Trowa and Quatre's wedding. He smiled to himself. Maybe even sooner…he decided he would get the courage to call Duo the next week about the wedding, and not show any obvious emotion. He just had to hear the beautiful longhaired boy's voice once more.

__

To find myself again  
my walls are closing in  
(Without a sense if confidence and I'm convinced  
That there's just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before  
So insecure

'Multi-Millionaire Quatre R. Winner to Wed'

Duo read the headline over and over again as if he just couldn't quite grasp what it meant. How come nobody told him? Skimming through the article, he found it was first planned the week before – no one even attempted to tell him! Duo felt the boiling heat of anger build inside his body. He didn't know whether to scream in a fit of rage or what. Feeling the torrid anger seethe from his body, he crumpled the paper and threw it across the room.   
Jumping from his chair, and knocking it over in the process, he ran to the back bathroom. He leaned on the water basin and glared in the mirror with utter spite and contempt. This was just proof – proof no one cared. He once had the impression that the other pilots were his friends…He had been fooling himself. They didn't care. _  
'And they certainly won't care about this…'  
_Duo pulled the medicine cabinet open and grabbed a razor blade. Holding out his wrist, and biting his lower lip, Duo ran the blade across his skin. He felt it as it sliced through the layers…deep into his skin. But he took no notice of the pain. He relished in the fact that he could cause this much agony and not the excruciating pain. He dropped the cold, sharp steel and watched as the red blood seeped from the fresh wound. He held his arm tightly, never taking his eyes from the crimson liquid. It flowed down the side of his arm and splattered in small drops on the white tiled floor.   
The seeping blood was symbolic – it was as if all feelings of depression, loneliness, and anger drained with the blood. Duo found himself gazing at the fresh wound and the scars of older ones. The pain was so minimal…it left hideous marks on his once flawless skin, but what did it matter?   
It was at that moment the phone chose to ring. Startled, Duo dropped his arm to his side, ignoring the blood seeping into his half-closed palm. The phone hadn't ringed in days. Stepping from the dim bathroom, Duo walked to the phone sitting on the bedside table. Nervously he reached for the receiver. He kept telling himself that the person on the other end would probably be a wrong number; phone calls were rare.   
He pressed the receiver to his ear and uttered a quiet "Hello?"   
"Hello, Duo?" The voice on the other end was one from the recent past…one he hadn't expected to ever hear again.  
"Y-yes. Heero? Is that…you?" He asked, unsure of himself.  
"Hn. I was just calling to ask if you've heard about Trowa and Quatre." He asked with little emotion in his voice though reveling in the fact that he was talking to the person he was strangely attached to.  
Duo was disappointed. "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I saw that in the paper this morning." His voice carried on a tone of building anger.  
Heero was shocked at the fact that Duo hadn't heard it from Quatre's own mouth. "The paper? Quatre didn't call you?"  
Duo choked back a sorrowful sob. "No."   
"Hm…that's surprising. He told me, and I know he called Wufei."   
Duo couldn't help but resent what Heero had just said. "Yeah, I'm sure he just _forgot_ about me."   
The Japanese boy couldn't believe the tone in Duo's voice…it just didn't sound like him. "Duo, are you okay?"  
"I'm just fine, Heero." Duo replied, oblivious to the concerned tone in which Heero spoke.   
"Well, I'm sure you'll get an invitation soon. The two are going to marry as soon as possible. I'm not sure if they scheduled a date yet, but I know it'll be soon. You're going to be there…right?"   
"I don't know. It doesn't sound like they want me there." Duo said bitterly.   
"Wha-? What are you talking about, Duo?" Heero asked; the emotion he was trying to hide was coming out.  
"Never mind. I'm sure I'll have better things to do. I've got to go…" And he hung up. He was about to cry and he didn't want Heero to hear. Not that the other pilot would care…no one cares…

__

Discomfort, Endlessly has pulled itself upon me  
Distracting, Reacting

Heero held the phone in shock. Hurt by the way Duo had spoken and overcome by strange, new emotions, Heero sank to the floor – unsure of what to do or how to react.

__

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting how I can't seem…

Duo lifted his arm once more and gazed at the blood now drying upon his skin. The wound ceased to produce anymore red liquid. Deeper into a dark hole he sank…hurt and confused beyond belief. He had to see the blood. He wanted to see the pain ooze from his body. Running back into the bathroom, he picked up the discarded razor. Holding back the tears, he slashed the wound open again. In a whirl of painful emotions, he watched avidly as the blood ran down his arm and splattered on the already crimson stained floor.  
***  
Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2


	2. Chapter Three: Do You Feel the Same

The Depths of a Black Haze

by Duo's Chick

and

Star Kindler

Chapter Three: Do You Feel the Same

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We also don't own the song "Do You Feel the Same". That belongs to Silverchair.

Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, and MAJOR ANGST!!!

***

//Moon covered

Determined to find

To find my place of hiding//

Heero held his head in his hands, still not believing what had just occurred. Why had Duo sounded the way he did? Sure, Heero understood that Duo was probably upset…but there was something more. Something much deeper, almost to the point of being dangerous.

However, Heero couldn't quite place his finger on it.

Confused thoughts raced through Heero's mind. The Duo he used to know was always happy, had a smile on his face…an infectious smile that could make anybody he was with do the same. Even Heero couldn't help but smile at times when he was in Duo's presence.

However, there was also another reason Heero would smile whenever he was around Duo. Throughout the war, he had grown deep feelings for the longhaired boy…feelings he didn't want Duo to know about. What if Duo didn't feel the same way? He would only make a fool of himself if he told Duo the truth, and the American pilot would probably hate him forever.

Heero sighed. He couldn't think about this right now. Right now, he had more important things to do.

Like call Quatre and inquire why Duo wasn't called.

//Try to detach

Try to decrease

To make it easier on me//

With rage boiling inside of him, Heero picked up the phone once more and hastily dialed Quatre's number. After three short rings, the blonde Arabian picked up.

"Winner/Barton residence. Quatre speaking. How may I be of service to you?" Quatre asked cheerily.

"Quatre, this is Heero," the Japanese boy barked.

"Oh, what can I do for you, Heero?" came the question.

"When Trowa proposed to you, did you call everybody?" Heero asked, trying to keep a calm tone.

"Of course, Heero. I called both you and Wufei. Why do you ask?"

Heero cleared his throat, silent for a few moments. So Quatre *had* forgotten about Duo. "Are you sure you're not forgetting someone?" he asked again.

"I'm positive," Quatre replied matter-of-factly. "Once again, Heero, why do you ask?"

Heero was slowly becoming angrier and angrier. "Um, Quatre…what about Duo?"

A small gasp was heard on the other end of the receiver. All was silent for a while as Quatre realized what he had done. After a few minutes, Quatre spoke.

"Oh, no…Duo. I never called him," Quatre said, a guilty tone lacing his voice.

Heero nodded, although he knew Quatre couldn't see him. "I think you'd better call him, Quatre. He seemed pretty upset when I spoke to him a few minutes ago. He didn't sound like his normal self," Heero told Quatre.

"Okay, I'll give him a call," Quatre agreed. "Goodbye, Heero."

"See ya, Quatre." The two hung up.

Heero threw the phone across the room. He stared at the wall, suddenly feeling unusually sick. He held his stomach in pain, getting up and running to the bathroom, making it there just in time before he vomited.

When he was through, Heero slumped to the cold bathroom floor, moaning. Why was he feeling so sick all of a sudden? Heero knew it…there had to be something incredibly wrong with Duo.

//Despise myself for what you've done

Sent me back into my world

Hold yourself cause no one will

I'll make it easier//

Duo blinked his eyes open, the light of the bathroom hitting them almost immediately, causing him to squint. When had he fallen asleep? He hadn't remembered feeling tired, let alone did he remember shutting his eyes to get some slumber. He sat up, holding his head as it throbbed in pain. Why couldn't he remember?

Duo squeezed his eyes closed, rubbing his temples as he tried to remember at least one detail about the last few hours. All he *could* remember was slashing his wrist and feeling satisfied and complete by watching the blood seep from his wound onto the bathroom floor. It only gave him temporary pleasure, however. He was now back to the same old person he had been before.

"God damn it, life is pointless. Why can't I just die?" he asked himself aloud, standing up and walking back into the kitchen, feeling incredibly dizzy.

//Now I have managed to be the one

To be the victim without the gun//

It was at this time that the phone chose to ring. Duo stared at it in disbelief. Two phone calls in one day. This must have been a record for him.

Hoping it wasn't anybody other than an annoying telemarketer, Duo picked the receiver up and placed it to his ear. "Yeah?" he asked sullenly.

"Duo! I'm so glad you're home! I've got wonderful news!" shouted the person on the other line. Duo gritted his teeth angrily. It was Quatre…the last person he wanted to speak to at this moment.

"Yeah, Quatre. I know. I read it in the paper, not from someone's mouth like I should have in the first place," Duo seethed through clenched teeth.

Quatre became confused. "Duo?" he asked.

"Don't 'Duo' me, God damn it! Why the fuck didn't you call? What, am I not important to you now that Trowa is a part of your life?" Duo practically yelled.

//Do you feel the same anyway

Now you've come//

Quatre was becoming angry. "Duo, what in the world are you talking about?" he asked, oblivious to the amount of pain he was causing the braided American at the moment.

"I can't believe you're so fucking blind, Quatre! Did you just forget about me after the war?" Duo continued to yell, feeling a strange lump rise in the back of his throat.

An angry look crossed Quatre's face. "Oh, I see it now, Duo," Quatre growled. "You're just jealous."

Duo held the phone away from his ear and gaped at it. He couldn't believe his ears. "What did you just say, Quatre?" Duo asked a few moments later.

"I said that you're jealous, Duo. God, I can't believe you! One good thing happens to one of your friends, and you can't be happy for him! Is it my fault that Trowa loves me and that no one loves you?!" Quatre shouted angrily before he hung up.

//Stay alert cause I'm obsessed

Surely I can't be depressed

Could I be read if I was see-through

Or would you just read my spine//

Tears stung Duo's eyes as he heard the dial tone on the other end of the line. Quatre was right—nobody loved him. He was worthless, and didn't deserve to have someone who loved him. Besides, who *would* love him? He was a nobody.

Duo screamed at the top of his lungs, his emotions going haywire. He ran into the living room and flung himself on the couch, crying his heart out. Painful sobs wracked his body as he lay there, his chest heaving up and down with each tear he cried.

The pain—why wouldn't it just go away? Duo lay there, trying to think of ways to make the pain go away…

//Now I have managed to be the one

To be the victim without the gun

Do you feel the same anyway

Now you've come//

Quatre stared at the phone in disgust. God, what was Duo's problem? He couldn't be happy for him, now that his dreams had finally come true? Sometimes Duo acted like a little baby.

"Little one…why did you say those horrible things?" a quiet voice interrupted Quatre's thoughts.

Quatre spun around, and saw that he was face-to-face with the one he loved, Trowa. A scowl was drawn across the taller boy's lips. He didn't look too happy.

Quatre looked at the floor and scuffed his foot along it. "What do you mean, Trowa?" he asked innocently, trying to act as if he knew nothing of what Trowa was talking about.

"Don't play dumb, Quatre," Trowa reprimanded, his tone growing steadily louder. "I heard everything you said to Duo. How could you accuse him of being jealous? How could you, Quatre?"

Quatre remained silent.

Trowa continued. "The last feeling Duo would feel for you is jealousy. I assume he was rather upset because you failed to call him with the news. Don't you think he would have liked to hear it from you instead of another source?"

Quatre gulped. Trowa was right. Why was he acting like such a jerk? And why the hell had he forgotten about Duo? He didn't understand it.

"I think you should call Duo, Tro. I can't speak to him now. I'll apologize when he gets here. Right now, though, he needs to know that he is wanted here for this special occasion," Quatre said, handing Trowa the phone before giving him a quick kiss and heading out the door.

//Hold yourself cause no one will

I'll be there to take the spill

Cleanse your soul change the tide

And ride the wave back into me//

Duo lifted his head as the phone rang yet again. What the hell was this, torture Duo day? Sighing, he got up and angrily answered the phone. God, how he hated phone calls nowadays. "What?" he asked, the hurt still apparent in his voice.

"It's Trowa," came the quiet voice on the other end.

"Oh. Hi," Duo said, holding back sobs.

"I just called to apologize on Quatre's behalf. I don't know what he was thinking when he said what he did, but I want you to know that you are wanted at our wedding. Please join us. It's two weeks from this very day. Please come down whenever you'd like to…as soon as possible would be much appreciated," Trowa said.

Duo was silent for a moment, then said, "Thanks, Trowa. I'll be there," then hung up.

Duo sighed. What was he going to do? He couldn't let the others see the state he was in. He didn't want the others to feel the pain he was feeling. He couldn't do that to them. He just couldn't.

Duo flopped down on the couch once more, many thoughts racing through his mind. Then, without warning, the tears broke through. Duo let them fall once more. He just didn't give a damn. He hated himself more than ever now.

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Star Kindler and Duo's Chick


	3. Chapter Four: Parable/Parabola

The Depths of a Black Haze  
by Eternally 1x2  
and   
Mystical 1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. Nor do we own the songs "Parable" and "Parabola". They belong to Tool.  
Authors' Note: For this songfic, we have combined two of Tool's songs. They kind of go together, anyway…  
Warnings: Shounen ai, OOC, and lots of angst!

Chapter Four: Parable/Parabola

__

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm,  
This one, this form I hold now  
Embracing you, this reality here,  
This one, this form I hold now, so  
Wide eyed and hopeful.  
Wide eyed and hopefully wild

Heero sat at a window in the huge parlor of Quatre's estate. He was left alone to his thoughts of seeing Duo once more. Though very far from his personality, he was actually very excited. Since the moment he arrived at the immaculate estate and Trowa had informed him that Duo would be attending, all fear of rejection he abandoned. Deep in his heart, he knew Duo was the one for him – no question about it. He had never felt love before, but he was positive he loved the beautiful boy. He regretted not trying to see or contact Duo after the war. But that was all going to change. He was going to prove to Duo that he truly did care. 

__

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,  
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...  
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in  
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

He had been sitting at the window almost constantly for nearly two weeks. Wufei had made it to the estate only days after him. So Duo was the last to arrive much to Heero's surprise. And to top it off, the wedding was tomorrow. But Duo couldn't miss the wedding…he wouldn't. Duo wasn't the type to turn this kind of stuff down. No, he had to arrive. Heero gazed out the glass hoping to see that bright smile and long, beautiful hair. He had so much he wanted to say…so much he wanted to confess. Heero had also been very worried about the other pilot since that phone call. It just didn't sound like Duo.   
Heero sighed and rested his chin in his palm. He didn't want to think about that conversation. Duo's voice had disturbed him greatly. It was as if a whole other person had been on that line. Duo had sounded so depressed – so downtrodden. But when he arrived, Heero knew he would make sure Duo was happy. He wanted to take hold of the other boy and never let go. 

__

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,  
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...  
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...

He had something special planned for Duo the night after Trowa and Quatre's wedding. A beautiful candlelight dinner meant just for the two of them. It would be perfect so as to set the mood for afterwards when Heero would pull out a ring. The Japanese boy played the scenario in his mind. He would pull out a ring and kneel in front of Duo. Then, with his heart brimming over in love and devotion, Heero would ask Duo to marry him. His only hope was that Duo would say accept…

__

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in  
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.

Duo grasped the sole picture he had of Heero…the same one where Heero looked as if he were ready to kill. He glanced out the taxi cab window as it neared the Winner Estate and wondered why he chosen to go at all. Trowa's simple plea meant nothing to him…Quatre's biting words still stung his ears. He knew deep in his soul that the others did not care if were there. He would probably be ignored anyway…so what was the point of going? Quatre had been right – he was jealous. He would never feel the love Quatre and Trowa shared. No matter how much he yearned to feel that same affection from Heero, he knew it just wouldn't happen . God, how it burned his soul.

__

Alive  
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...  
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in  
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...  
Of what it means to be alive

He made sure that he would arrive just a day before the wedding. He didn't want to spend too much time with other pilots; the last thing he wanted was for Heero to see him for who he really was now. Duo pulled a sleeve up. The once fair and flawless skin was covered with fresh cuts. Scared, nervous, and hurt, Duo had just about shredded his arm before leaving for the Winner Estate. Old scars were now hidden by the new gashes. Duo sighed sadly and covered his arm once more. If Heero saw those wounds – or any if any of the other pilots saw those wounds, they would think he was a freak. Which, Duo concluded, he was. But he didn't want to hear it from the others' mouths.   
Duo chose that moment to look out the window of the taxicab. The driver had just turned into the huge driveway of the Winner residence. It was a long, white-paved road that led to a circular area at which the massive mansion sat. Duo didn't know what to do; he hadn't expected to arrive so soon. He wasn't ready to face the others just yet. He wasn't ready to see the happy couple wed. It was even too hard to think about. The immense jealousy he felt – the anger, the hurt – it all boiled down to this moment. He wasn't quite sure how he would react when seeing the others. Should he put up a front? Put on that Duo Maxwell smile and act as if everything was okay? The answer was most definitely yes.  
The taxicab came to a halt at the end of the long entranceway, and just below a set of wide stairs leading to the mansion. Duo paid the taxi driver and got out of the cab, carrying a small backpack filled with clothes. He gazed up the stairway at the huge building before him. The cab drove off leaving Duo alone and dreading – unsure if whether he should ascend those steps or not. 

__

Swirling round with this familiar parable.  
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.  
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this  
chance to be alive and breathing  
chance to be alive and breathing

Heero practically jumped up in excitement when he saw the familiar boy climb out of the cab. He watched as Duo looked up at the stairs before him as if he were unsure of something. Then in almost slow motion, he took each step one at a time. Heero watched avidly, forcing himself not to run to the door before Duo could even finish climbing the concrete stairs. And when Duo reached that final step, it took almost all of what Heero had not to race to that front door.   
But he did want to greet the beautiful longhaired boy, so carefully he made his way to the door. Waiting for the doorbell to ring, he opened the massive entranceway and beheld the beauty before him. It had been three years since he had last seen that gorgeous face…those bright eyes…that magnificent hair.   
And Duo was just as beautiful as ever, but there was something different about him. He wore baggy clothes and his eyes didn't hold that same glittery gleam they used to. But it was Duo, and to Heero, that was all that mattered.   
Duo himself was shocked to see Heero standing before him. He knew at that moment, he wasn't ready to see the other pilots. He just couldn't. He wanted to run, but knew deep inside that hiding would be impossible. So with as much courage as he could muster, Duo smiled…it was hard. He hadn't smiled in so long…but he needed to conceal his heart with that smile. Heero could never see the true Duo.   
"Duo," Heero finally spoke, "please come in. We were wondering when you'd arrive." The Japanese pilot stepped out of the way so Duo could enter. Duo walked over the threshold almost timidly, but yet holding on to that faint smile.   
The American boy took a good look at Heero. The other pilot had changed quite a bit. He was taller and beautifully muscled. But he still had those incredible cobalt eyes…  
Duo looked away. He just couldn't gaze into those eyes. If he did, Heero may see the truth Duo was so desperately trying to cover in his.   
Heero smiled. "I'm so glad you could come, Duo. I-" He stopped himself from saying 'I'm happy to see you.' He wasn't ready to give the other boy any hints just yet.  
_'Why?' _Duo's mind screamed to Heero's spoken question. It was a lie…it had to have been. But instead of speaking, he just smiled slightly and nodded.   
Heero's heart sank. Duo hadn't said one word…that wasn't like him. "Duo, is everything okay?" He took a few steps closer to the other boy hoping to meet his eyes. Duo just stared at the ground.  
"Yeah, everything's fine." He mumbled.   
That was not the truth. Heero could hear the anxiety and falseness in Duo's usually perky voice. "No…" Heero whispered. "It certainly doesn't sound like it…"

__

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality  
Heero knew he was taking a chance, but as gently as possible, he lifted the longhaired boy's chin. Duo's body tensed at Heero's touch, but still he refused to meet Heero's eyes. "Duo, why won't you look at me?"

__

Embrace this moment. Remember we are eternal

"Stop, Heero. I'm fine." Duo realized Heero was suspicious. He couldn't let Heero find his pain.  
"No, it's not. I thought you never lied, Duo. You're not telling me the truth – that's very obvious." Heero snapped back taking his hand away from Duo's chin. The American pilot felt as if he was going to cry. Heero was right.   
"The way you sounded on the phone…Duo, I told you Quatre was just excited. He didn't mean-"  
"I don't give a damn!" Duo shot back, still avoiding Heero's eyes. "I told you everything was fine, Heero. Can't we just leave it at that?" 

__

All this pain is an illusion

Heero didn't know what to say. Duo was not telling him the truth. Frustrated, he reached for Duo's lower arm and squeezed gently. It was a soft squeeze, but what Heero saw was a look of pain across Duo's face. The other boy hissed as Heero held on. The other boy was confused. Heero took Duo's hand and reached for the boy's sleeve. Duo's eyes became wide with horror as he realized that any moment Heero would find the bloody gashes across his wrist. 

***  
Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2


	4. Chapter One: Make Me Bad

The Depths of a Black Haze

by Star Kindler

and

Duo's Chick

Chapter One: Make Me Bad

Disclaimer: We don't own GW…never have and never will…

Warnings: Yaoi, *MAJOR ANGST*

***

_I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation_

_There's so much shit around me_

_Such a lack of compassion_

Just another day. No point. Life just goes on, and I feel nothing. And haven't for a long time.   
  
It's the same routine over and over. Get up. Sit around all day. Do absolutely nothing. Go back to sleep.   
  
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to do anything. It's just that I don't have the heart to.   
  
My life is clearly pointless. No one loves me, let alone cares for me. I haven't heard from any of the pilots since the war ended. It doesn't surprise me. However, I do wish that one of them would at least call. 

Especially Heero.

_I thought it would be fun and games_

_(It would be fun and games)_

_Instead it's all the same_

_(It's all the same)_

_I need something to do_

_Need to feel the sickness_

_In you_

Why couldn't he see the signs? I thought I had made it pretty obvious to Heero that I loved him. Even the glances I cast in his direction spoke louder than words. Yet, Heero failed to notice. Or, maybe, just maybe, he hated me so much that he chose to ignore me.   
  
My guess is that he did hate me.   
  
I don't blame him, though. I'm a good-for-nothing. A total failure. Heero would just be wasting his time with a lowlife like me. 

_I feel the reason, as it's leaving me_

_No, not again_

_It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh_

_Make me bad_

I sigh dejectedly, reaching for the bottle of whiskey sitting on the small table next to the couch. I take a drink, smiling sullenly as I feel the alcohol warm my belly. This whiskey is the only thing that's occupied my stomach in the past few days. I haven't had any food at all…well, maybe a few pieces of bread or a saltine cracker here and there. It's funny…I'm as thin as a stick, but I can last at least five days without any food.   
  
Any one of my comrades would be surprised with how much weight I've lost. I was thin then-they should see me now. My eyes are sunken in, and there are parts of my body where you can clearly see my bones. But it's nothing some baggy clothes won't fix. All in all, I look like a living skeleton. 

I place the bottle back down and take a look around my place. I used to be proud of my apartment when I first moved in here. But now, I have nothing to be proud of. This place is a mess. It looks like a tornado hit it. Empty beer bottles lay around, along with other things-mainly objects I put to good use.   
  
Objects which I use to inflict pain upon myself. 

_All I do is look for you_

_I need a fix_

_You need it too_

_Just to get some sort of attention_

_Attention_

If there's anything I enjoy about my life right now, it's the pain. I know that may sound odd, but it's the truth. The pain is like a drug for me. There aren't enough words to describe the rush I feel everytime I feel the pain course throughout my body. It makes me feel complete. This may sound ironic, but for every ounce of pain comes twice as much pleasure.   
  
But who the hell am I fooling? The little pleasure I do feel from time to time quickly vanishes as I remember my miserable life. There isn't anything anybody can do that will change the fact that my life is a living hell.   
  
I might as well be dead.   
  
Technically, I already am. 

_What does it mean to you?_

_To me, it's something I just do_

_I want something_

_I need to feel the sickness in you_

Sadly, I stand up and make my way over to my bedroom, which consists of a bed, one picture, and nothing else. Sighing, I flop down onto my bed and pick the picture up. It's one of me and Heero right before the war ended. I'm smiling, and I have my arm slung playfully around his shoulders. Instead of looking at the camera, Heero's glaring at me, looking as if he would murder me if he could get away with it. I let out a long breath I'd been holding in and buried my face in my hands.   
  
I always knew Heero hated me. 

_I feel the reason, as it's leaving me_

_No, not again_

_It's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh_

_Make me bad_

I lie back, staring at the ceiling. What kind of crummy life was this? I did not deserve to live. I wanted my miserable, horrible life to end already.   
  
I turned onto my side, and cried myself to sleep. 

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Duo's Chick and Star Kindler


	5. Chapter Five: Binge

The Depths of a Black Haze

by Eternally 1x2

and

Mystical 1x2

Chapter Five: Binge

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We also don't own the song "Binge". Papa Roach does.

Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, and lots of angst!

***

//You better put that down

You better put that down//

Duo squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he felt Heero start to lift the sleeve of his shirt. At any moment, the truth would be exposed. Any minute now, Heero would know all of Duo's secrets, and he wouldn't be able to lie anymore. He'd have to tell Heero the truth.

"Heero…" Duo started to whimper, but was interrupted by a cheerful voice.

"Duo! So glad you could make it!" Quatre exclaimed as he entered the room, Trowa and Wufei following behind him. Duo used this opportunity to pull his arm away from Heero, whose grip had loosened when he saw the three enter the room, and turned to face them.

"Hey, guys. Of course I'd come. How could I miss the biggest event ever for two of my closest friends?" Duo said quietly, forcing a false smile to cross his face. He couldn't expose his pain to the others.

//All I need is a bottle

And I don't need no friends, no

Wallow in my pain

I swallow as I pretend//

Quatre stepped forward, a slight blush coloring his cheeks. "I'm sorry about not calling you before," Quatre apologized.

Duo's smile faltered, but was quickly replaced by a new one. His once beautiful violet eyes wandered to the floor as he refused to make eye contact with any of the other pilots. Duo sighed deeply. "It's okay, Quatre. I'm used to being forgotten," Duo said, not realizing how sorrowful his once jovial voice sounded.

Thankfully, for Duo, this went unnoticed for three of the pilots. However, Heero did not fail to detect just how down Duo sounded. Something was horribly wrong—there was no doubt about it in Heero's mind now. Duo was not his normal self. Something about the beautiful boy that Heero loved had changed. It wasn't just a small change, however. It was drastic. Heero's concern was steadily growing.

//To act like I'm happy

When I drink till no end, no

I'm losing all my friends

I'm losing in the end

And she says//

"Oh, Duo, I'm so glad you arrived when you did!" Quatre exclaimed. "There's a huge party tonight, and I know you would have hated to miss it."

At this, Duo smiled, a real smile for once. This would be the perfect opportunity to drown all of his problems. He knew Quatre would definitely provide some type of alcoholic beverage, maybe even several types. Duo sighed. This was all too perfect.

"Great, Quatre! You know how much I love parties!" Duo replied, trying to force his voice to sound cheerful and enthusiastic.

Apparently, the other pilots bought it. "Great! Heero, why don't you show Duo to his room so he can settle in and get ready for tonight's party?" Quatre suggested, taking Trowa by the arm and leading him out of the room, Wufei following close behind.

Heero smiled, glad that Quatre had asked him to do that. He looked once again at Duo, who was rubbing his arm tenderly, a pained expression apparent in his features. Every now and then, small whimpers would escape the braided boy's lips. He was obviously in a great deal of pain.

"Duo, are you okay?" Heero asked once again, approaching Duo. The empty, hollow look which was now present in Duo's eyes pained Heero. Unconsciously, the Japanese boy reached out a hand and caressed Duo's cheek softly, desperately trying to get him to open up.

//Behave little boy

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground

It's your turn to learn to fight

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground//

A look of sheer surprise came over Duo as he felt Heero's gentle touch on his cheek. Old feelings were resurfacing; he wouldn't be able to control his emotions for much longer. But, he had to remain calm. He couldn't let the mask, no matter how poorly positioned, slip. Angrily, Duo shied away from Heero's touch and turned around.

"Heero," Duo growled softly, "how many times do I have to tell you that nothing is wrong? I'm perfectly okay. In fact, I've never been better! So why don't you stop prying into my life and quit acting like you care?"

Heero was hurt. He was Duo's best friend…why wouldn't he tell him anything? And how could he feel like Heero didn't care? Heero could sense Duo's pain. The boy was crying out for help, but couldn't see it. Heero wanted to help his secret love with all of his heart. But how could he help if he didn't know what was wrong?

//When I'm sober life bores me

So I get drunk again, yeah

I'm losing all my friends

I'm losing in the end

She says//

"Duo, please," Heero pleaded, a look of desperation growing in his cobalt eyes.

Duo sighed. "I'm sure I'll be able to find my room without any problem. Thanks anyway, Heero. I'll be down for tonight's party, but I think I'll get some rest now," Duo said, making his way towards the stairs and ascending them at a rather slow pace.

Heero kept his gaze on Duo as the braided boy climbed the stairs and turned the corner, disappearing from sight. He frowned. Why did he have such a bad feeling about the party tonight?

After what seemed like an eternity, Duo finally made it to his bedroom. He locked the door behind him and looked around the room. It was very comfortable, and the bed looked so soft. Duo yawned; he was exhausted. He hadn't had a good night's rest in so long…he just wanted to lie down…and sleep…

As Duo walked towards the bed, he felt his eyelids close heavily, and before Duo knew it, he was sound asleep on the floor long before he had reached the bed.

//Behave little boy

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground

It's your turn to learn to fight

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground

YEAH!//

Several hours passed, and it was soon time for the party to begin. Heero paced around the dining room, the bad feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. He looked at the clock. Where was Duo? Now that Heero thought about it, he hadn't seen or heard from Duo since he went to his bedroom about five hours ago. Deciding he'd better tell Duo the party was about to start, Heero ventured off to Duo's room.

Upon arriving at Duo's door, Heero knocked gently. Hearing no answer, Heero turned the knob, finding it locked. Sighing, the Japanese boy knocked again, this time shouting Duo's name. "Duo? Are you in there?" Heero called, knocking a little louder.

Duo groggily opened his eyes as he heard his name. "Huh? What?" the American asked sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He squinted as he read the clock. It was 8 p.m. _Fuck_, Duo thought, _how long have I been out_?

"Duo?" Heero called again, practically banging on the door this time. "Are you in there?"

Duo held his head as Heero yelled. "Yeah, Heero," he replied, "I'm in here."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Quatre's party is about to start," Heero informed him, then walked away.

Duo smiled as he got to his feet and headed for the door. Soon, his problems would be washed away and forgotten…at least for a little while, anyway.

//You better sit back down

You better put that down

Put the bottle down

I am on a binge//

A few minutes later, Duo arrived in the living room, where the others were already gathered, his mask unsteadily in place. With a fake smile plastered on his face, Duo yelled, "Yes! Party time!" He hoped the others would buy the act he was pulling. It seemed that way, for nobody said a word.

As the night wore on, Duo consumed more and more alcohol. He was quicky growing drunk. About three hours into the party, Duo could not even walk in a straight line.

//Behave little boy

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground

It's your turn to learn to fight

You better sit back down

Till you hold your ground

YEAH!//

Heero had been watching Duo's antics from the balcony window. Duo just would not stop drinking. He was already very drunk, and yet continued to consume more alcohol. Heero was becoming worried. He had to put a stop to this before Duo gave himself alcohol poisoning.

//I am on a binge

I wish things would change

Wish they'd rearrange

I'm on a binge

I wish things would change

Wish they'd rearrange

I am on a binge

I'm on a binge

Yeah yeah//

Heero made his way over to the couch where Duo was sprawled, reaching for another beer. Angrily, Heero raced over and slapped Duo's hand, sending the beer crashing to the floor. "No, Duo, you've had more than enough!" Heero reprimanded.

"Why'd you go and do that for?" Duo slurred, his words barely audible. Then, Heero watched in horror as Duo hunched over and vomited several times. When he was through, he looked up at Heero and said, "I don't feel so good." His eyes then rolled into the back of his head, and he passed out.

Heero caught Duo in his arms before he hit the floor, gasping as he realized that it took no effort whatsoever. Duo was incredibly light, and this scared Heero.

Deeply concerned for Duo's health, Heero brought Duo up to his room and put him to bed, planning to question Duo when he woke up the next morning.

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2


	6. Chapter Six: It's Come to This

The Depths of a Black Haze  
by Eternally 1x2  
and   
Mystical 1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW. Nor do we own the song "It's Come To This". That belongs to Fuel.  
Warnings: Shounen ai, angst, OOC

Chapter Six: It's Come To This

***  
_And I found my head uncrowned and all life's sweet nectar flowing down  
the cracks and seams wasted on some petty little prayers  
And I  
reached up for despair but I was well below that cherished stage  
And all my mangled hopes all songs unsung_

The first thing Duo felt was the pain – agony bombarded his head as he awoke slowly. Steadily coming out of the drunken sleep, Duo sat up and felt the pain intensify. Groaning, he held his head in his hands in order to help ease the pain. _'Oh, god, where the hell am I?' _He questioned himself as he carefully lifted his head and took a look around. The bright morning sun shone brightly through the large windows. The beaming rays graced the elaborate room nicely.   
_'Quatre's house…'_ Duo realized with shock. _'And the party…shit, how much did I drink last night? How did I end up back in the bedroom?' _He couldn't remember one thing about the previous night. What if he had given his secret away?   
Glancing around, he realized he was on a perfectly made bed wearing the same clothes he had the evening before. That was a relief. Perhaps he had just wandered to the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. But at this moment, it really didn't matter. His head was pounding, and he knew he needed some aspirin. Climbing off the bed – carefully as to not cause his head anymore pain – he crossed the room to where his backpack sat on a chair. Hoping to find some pain killers, he dug through the clothes, and found that he had not packed any. Pulling out a new set of clothes, Duo changed, deciding to ask Quatre where the aspirin was. The house was huge; it would take forever to locate a tiny bottle in this place.  
Sluggishly, Duo left the room in search of Quatre and the others. He headed toward the dining area figuring that was where he and the other pilots were. 

__

I fear I've wasted all my sun   
I fear I've wasted all my time  
Everything is faded  
Smiles are fabricated now

Duo crept through the large house seeking the other pilots. His head ached with each agonizing step. He was still a bit hung over from the alcoholic binge, and terrified out of his mind at what the others probably thought of him. Especially of what Heero thought…But the alcohol drowned his depression – his immense sorrow. For awhile anyway. He usually awoke from the alcohol-induced sleep more despondent than ever; and this morning was no particular exception.   
He descended the illustrious front staircase and walked toward the dining room. The room was visible just at the end of the dark corridor. He could easily see the other pilots gathered at the end of large table talking amongst themselves. From the doorway, he couldn't quite make out what they were saying, that is, until his name was mentioned. And it wasn't directed to him. Wanting to listen in, he hid just outside the door and remained quiet.

__

I fear I've wasted all my sun  
I fear I've wasted all my time  
Held my eyes closed for too long

Heero sighed and propped his head against his fist. He was still terribly worried about Duo; Heero had never seen one consume so much alcohol in a short period of time. No doubt the other boy would be suffering from a killer of hang over once he woke up. And sadly, the other pilots had also noticed the abnormal behavior. The others seemed shocked and even a little disgusted from what was said. Heero chose not to contribute, for he was more worried than shocked. The others, however, continued with the conversation, oblivious to the fact that Duo was standing close by and listening.  
"I just couldn't believe how much alcohol Duo had last night. He was passed out before the party ended." Quatre mentioned freely.  
"It was repulsive." Wufei contributed without emotion. From behind the door, Duo cringed.  
"He got a little carried away; that's all. I'll admit it was unlike him, but you know how Duo gets caught up in things…" Heero glanced across the table at Trowa, glad that someone had decided to defend Duo.   
"I'll repeat. It was repulsive. The fact that he was so drunk he had to be carried to his room was just sick." He shot a glance at Heero who glared back; unsure of what Wufei would say next. "He is a disgrace to us as gundam pilots and shouldn't have been invited." Heero almost jumped from his seat in anger. He wanted to wrap his hands around Wufei's neck. But for some reason unbeknownst to him, he did not move. The other two let the remark go and continued with the conversation as Heero remained completely silent, anger slowly building inside him.   
Duo thought his heart had stopped beating as the bitter words left Wufei's lips. His knees became weak, and his stomach wrapped in knots. It was true. He had made a fool of himself the previous night…and the others thought he was a loser. Heero didn't even defend him – not one word in his defense. The longhaired boy felt tears seep from his large, violet eyes. No one loved him. No one cared.

__

And I ran out through the streets in hopes that I might find it there  
but all my buildings stared back at me tenantless and bare   
and I  
reached up for the sky, but it always seemed so far away  
transcendent thoughts you gave lie atrophied and broken

His head pounded in utter agony as he realized what he had to do. Anger, sorrow and every other bitter emotion warped his mind it terrible ways. Every painful feeling he had ever endured in course of his lifetime returned and suffocated his body. His stomach churned…his hands balled into fists…he felt a lump in his throat. He wanted to scream. He could have cried. But most of all, he wanted to lash out. He wanted revenge for the hateful words uttered just moments before. Not on Wufei, no, but on himself instead. Wufei had stated a mere fact, for Duo knew it was the truth. As he stood in that dark corridor, he knew the reality of the situation. He was a disgrace – not just to the gundam pilots, but to the human race.   
Pain and anger boiled inside. He knew deep in his heart that this wasn't a way to live. No person should have to endure the pain he was feeling. His head still hurt, as did his heart. And he thought of a way he could ease both forms of pain. Carefully, he listened in on the conversation taking place in the dining room. From the words said, it was obvious the discussion had diverted from Duo altogether. Mustering the courage, Duo took a deep breath and stepped into the dining room. No one noticed his presence.   
"Ahem." He cleared his throat. All four heads turned and gaped at the figure in the doorway. Heero gasped to himself. Something didn't seem right…Duo looked worse than the day before. Nevertheless, he remained silent. It was Quatre, ever the polite one, who broke the unbearable stillness.   
"Did you want something, Duo?" He stood and smiled courteously.  
Duo shifted uneasily in his spot; the harsh stares from three of the pilots did nothing to make him feel any better. He avoided all four pairs of eyes. "Uh…yeah, Quatre. Mind telling me where the aspirin is? I have this killer headache…"  
_"Wonder why…" _Wufei muttered to himself, yet loud enough for the others to hear. Heero cast an angry glance at the Chinese boy, while Duo felt angry tears sting his eyes. His eyes shot to the floor.   
Quatre could sense the uneasiness. Quickly he said, "There should be some in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom adjoined to your room."   
Duo nodded. "Thanks." He mumbled, and turned to make his leave. The other four pilots watched the braided boy disappear down the hallway. Heero felt his heart sink with each retreating step Duo made. He felt he had to go after him – to find out what was the matter once and for all. But something would not allow him to move. 

__

And I sat when I should have stood; swallowed when I should have spit  
until now I only recognize me in pictures taken long ago  
and   
all the changes simply haunt and never go away  
a friend will tell when I hit hell, I may not feel the change

The pills were right where Quatre had said they would be. He peeked inside the container – there weren't many left. He wandered back into his room and sat on the bed. There, he dumped the aspirin on the elaborate comforter. Counting them out, he found there were fifteen left. And from what he read on the bottle, he was not to exceed more than one caplet every eight to twelve hours. He smirked to himself as he picked up a glass of water sitting by the bed.  
_'Should be enough to get rid of both pains…' _He thought as he lifted the first pill to his lips. Taking a gulp of water, he felt it pass through his throat. He repeated the process with each of the capsules – each one bringing him closer to the almost inevitable. Both pains – the physical and the emotional would soon be a thing of the past. As would his life…  
The world had gotten too cruel. The truth had become unbearable. He did not shed a tear as he swallowed each caplet…he knew in his heart the pain would be over soon. He also knew deep inside that not a single soul would mourn him when he departed from this callous world. 

__

Held my eyes closed for too long  
Held my eyes closed for too long

So close, he thought as the pile diminished. So close to the end of the horrible pain he had endured for far too long. So close…no one should have to lead loveless life…no one should be considered worthless. He knew he was. He knew that's how the others perceived him. His stomach churned as each pill sank down. He stopped as he picked up the final capsule. He had tried give love, but rarely was it ever returned. _'Heero…'_ He sighed. The one person he loved…the one person he knew could never love him back. How could anyone love someone like him? The tears that stung his eyes earlier had returned and they cascaded down his protruding, pale cheeks.  
***  
Heero had finally gotten it into his head to check on Duo. He didn't know why, but something was going to happen. He didn't know what, but he had to find out. Duo was not his normal self…something was wrong with him and Heero intended to find out what it was.  
He reached Duo's room and gazed at the closed door as if it was an impossible obstruction to pass. Breathing heavily, Heero knocked on Duo's door. No answer came. He knocked a second time. "Duo? Are you in there? Are you all right?" He turned the doorknob and pushed the door open.  
From inside, Duo gasped as the opening door revealed a very concerned Heero. The Japanese boy sighed in relief as he saw Duo sitting on the bed. But there was a strange look on his face…  
Heero smiled slightly. "I'm sorry, Duo. I don't mean to enter uninvited…I was just worried." Duo said not a word. He remained quiet and glared at Heero cautiously.   
Heero's smile faded as he crossed into the room and stepped beside where Duo sat. "Duo? What's the matter with you?" The braided boy's eyes dropped and glanced at the aspirin bottle. Heero's eyes followed Duo's gaze and he gasped as he saw the empty medicine bottle lying on the bed. His glance shot back at Duo's who glared at him bravely.   
"Duo…what have you done?" Heero asked, a horrible conclusion came over him.  
"It's all over, Heero…" Duo whispered as he lifted the last pill to his lips and swallowed. "It's too late for me…"

__

Just before I go don't you offer any sweet advice because   
where were all your shoulders when I needed them so long ago

and   
now with legs weak and weary from this silly dance  
with a suitcase full of memories, I pack my bags and slowly drift away

Heero grabbed Duo's shoulders. "Oh, god, please tell me you didn't do what I think you did…" he panicked. He could see the truth in Duo's eyes. He saw the tears fall freely from Duo's eyes.  
The American boy nodded, unashamed of his tears. "You were too late, Heero…"  
***

Comments? Criticism? We want to know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2


	7. Chapter Seven: Bed of Lies

The Depths of a Black Haze

by Eternally 1x2

and

Mystical 1x2

Chapter Seven: Bed of Lies

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We also don't own the song "Bed of Lies". That belongs to Matchbox 20.

Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, and MAJOR ANGST!!

***

__

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies

So toss me out and turn in

And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes

I'm marking it down to learning

I am

Heero watched in horror as Duo swallowed the last pill. Panicked thoughts raced through his head. His instincts told him that he had to get Duo help—and fast. Quickly, Heero grabbed Duo's arm, not even loosening his grip as Duo cried out in pain. "Come on, Duo. We're going to the hospital," Heero announced, trying to drag Duo off of the bed. However, Duo was stronger than he actually looked. No matter how hard Heero tried, he couldn't get Duo to budge. The Japanese boy was becoming rather angry. "Duo, what are you doing? You need to get to a hospital as quickly as possible! Now, let's go!"

Duo looked at Heero and shook his head defiantly, tears flowing freely from his eyes. "No, Heero, I'm not going anywhere! Please, I don't want to live anymore! I want my miserable, pathetic, useless life to end! I don't deserve to live another second of my life!" Duo cried, each word that escaped his lips quivering with each shaky breath he took. He continued to let the tears fall from his pained violet eyes, not caring if Heero saw, not giving a damn if the whole world saw him crying.

It was all becoming clear to Heero. Duo's behavior lately all led to one thing. Duo was depressed, so severely to the point of suicide. His withdrawn behavior, loss of weight, uncharacteristic silence, the alcoholic binge from last night, the cries of pain from the slightest, gentlest touch—it all seemed to add up now. Heero berated himself for not realizing this from the beginning. "Duo…" Heero whispered.

Duo shook his head one last time as his eyes slowly drifted shut. "Too late…Heero…" were Duo's last words before he slumped forward, motionless.

"No…Duo!" Heero cried out as he caught Duo in his arms. Frantically, he checked for a pulse, sighing in relief when he found one, although it was weak. Heero knew he didn't have much time. Panicking, Heero yelled, "Quatre, quick! Call 911! Duo's attempted suicide!"

"Oh, dear God…" was Quatre's reply. "Just hang on, I'll get an ambulance here right away!"

As Heero waited impatiently, he gently held Duo's prone form, stroking his hair softly. "Please hang on, Duo…don't leave me…I can't lose you…" the Japanese boy whispered, hoping and praying that God wouldn't take Duo away from him.

***

__

Don't think that I can take another empty moment

Don't think that I can fake another

hollow smile

It's not enough just to be sorry

Don't think that I could take another talk about it

The wait seemed eternal. Time seemed to drag as Heero sat in the waiting room, anticipating the return of the doctor that had taken Duo under his care. Heero sighed, placing his palms over his eyes. He felt the comforting hand of Quatre on his shoulder, gently rubbing it, trying to ease the pain Heero felt. Heero lifted his head and smiled at Quatre, then resumed his earlier position.

Heero was confused. What exactly was he feeling at this moment? Remorse? Sensitivity? Compassion? Anger? Too many thoughts…it was too much for Heero. He needed to get away, needed some time to himself to think. Standing timidly, Heero excused himself for a few short minutes, then headed towards the exit of the hospital, feeling the need to get some well-needed fresh air.

Heero stepped outside, breathing deeply. It sure felt good to get out of there. Frankly, hospitals scared him, even when he wasn't the one admitted to one. However, Duo was, and this hurt Heero just as much as if he were the patient.

Heero's thoughts drifted to the events that occurred only a few short hours ago. But it had seemed like an eternity since Duo had been brought into the hospital. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Some things were still blurry, while others were crystal clear.

Heero paced around the parking lot, trying to clear his head. Why in the world would Duo try to kill himself? Hell, Heero knew that was a stupid question. If he was depressed, why wouldn't he? Isn't that what depressed people usually did?

Heero just wished that he had noticed the signs earlier. He should have been able to tell that Duo was depressed. He had known that something was wrong, but he didn't think it would be this serious. Duo had seemed withdrawn, sure…but it could have been because he hadn't been feeling well, or something to that extent. But then there was the sudden weight loss, and the pain that he seemed to be in…

Heero sighed. He needed to talk to Duo as soon as he regained consciousness, or as soon as the doctors would allow him to. He needed answers…he wanted to help the boy he loved as much as possible. And, Heero decided, he would go to any lengths in order to do that.

Sighing once more, Heero turned and made his way back into the hospital, wondering if the doctor had come by yet.

__

Just like me you got needs

And they're only a whisper away

And we softly surrender

To these lives that we've tendered away

When Heero got back to the waiting room, a small smile crossed his face as he spotted the doctor talking to Quatre. Quatre noticed Heero, and waved him over. The doctor turned around and, seeing Heero, strode over to the approaching boy.

"Mr. Yuy, you'll be happy to know that Mr. Maxwell is stabilized and doing fine. We've managed to pump his stomach and get rid of all the drugs, so he'll be just fine. Time was very crucial in this situation, however. Your friend was very lucky," the doctor explained, scratching the bridge of his nose. "If you'd like, you can go see him now."

Heero smiled, nodding. "Yes, I'd like that."

"Okay, then. He's in Room 103," the doctor concluded before turning around and walking away.

Smiling, Heero looked at Quatre, who smiled back, and proceeded to make his way towards Room 103, wondering what in the world he would say.

***

Duo winced as he slowly opened his eyes, the bright light shining in the room hurting his eyes. He blinked several times before his eyes got adjusted to the light. With a confused look on his face, Duo glanced around the room. He quickly noticed he was in a hospital.

__

A hospital? Aren't I supposed to be dead? he wondered to himself.

Duo cursed as he realized what had happened. Heero had brought him to the hospital. "Shit!" Duo shouted, punching the mattress of the hospital bed, an exasperated, angry look on his face. "Why didn't Heero let me die?!"

Just as he shouted this, the door opened, and Heero stepped in, a worried look on his face. Duo scoffed as he saw Heero. "Why do *you* look so concerned?" Duo snapped, not making eye contact with Heero, not even looking at him.

__

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies

So toss me out and turn in

And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes

I'm marking it down to learning

I am

Heero was taken aback by the tone of Duo's voice. It sounded pained…as if he was angry for actually being alive. Heero approached Duo's bed, his face taking on an uncharacteristically gentle look.

"Duo?" Heero asked as he reached his bedside, pulling up a chair and sitting beside him. "Why are you mad?"

Duo sighed in disgust. "Do I really have to answer that, Heero?"

"Yes," was the reply.

Duo moaned, staring down at his lap. "I'm miserable. I don't want to be alive. I'd be better off dead…so would everyone else. Let's face it…I'm nothing, a worthless nobody. I have no purpose in this world…so what's the point of living?" Duo said quietly, feeling tears sting his eyes.

Heero gaped at Duo, not believing what the beautiful braided boy was actually saying. He felt that he didn't have a purpose? He's worthless? How in the world had Duo gotten all of these ideas into his head?

Another sigh escaped the American's lips. "I'm unloved…" Duo muttered, feeling his breath catch as the tears started flowing from his eyes. "Nobody loves me…"

Heero's eyes widened at this statement. It was all making sense now. Duo truly did feel unloved…but could Heero blame him? For the past two years, nobody had even made an effort to keep in touch with him. He probably thought that nobody cared anymore. Heero mentally punched himself. How could he be such a fool? He had so many chances to call Duo, to actually talk to him…but instead, he had blown those chances…like an idiot. No wonder Duo was so depressed…

__

Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over

Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong

Where it's just not enough to be sorry

"Duo…please, talk to me," Heero pleaded, reaching out and taking Duo's hand. He held it tightly, not caring if it gave away any hints. Duo needed to know he was cared about, that he was indeed loved. Heero loved him—he loved him more than anything in this whole world. Unfortunately, Heero knew that, and Duo didn't. Heero grasped Duo's hand tighter, urging him to open up.

Duo looked down at their two hands clasped, and then into Heero's eyes. "Heero? Why are you so concerned? Nobody's shown any whim of concern for me since…well, never," Duo said.

Heero sighed. He had to tell Duo…somehow, he knew that if Duo was aware of the love Heero possessed for him, things would start on their way to getting better. Heero continued to hold Duo's hand, taking a deep breath as he prepared to say the words he had been longing to say since the day he had set eyes on the beautiful American boy. "Duo…I love you," Heero said, his voice gentle and caring. He looked to Duo for a response, wondering how he would react.

Duo stared at him in shock, not believing his ears. Did Heero just say what he thought he had just said?

"Do…do you really mean it, Heero?" Duo asked, hoping that his ears hadn't deceived him.

Heero nodded. "Yes, Duo…I love you. With all of my heart, all of my soul."

A look of shock crossed Heero's face as Duo smiled a real smile. "Heero…" Duo whispered. "I love you too…I always have."

Now it was Heero's turn to be surprised. He hadn't expected Duo to say that. He had hoped for it, but never would he have imagined that it was indeed true. Duo did love him.

"Duo," Heero urged softly, "why didn't you try reaching out to one of us? The four of us had no clue you were so depressed."

Duo sighed. "I couldn't help it. I didn't think any of you cared," he admitted softly, closing his violet eyes and sighing. "But now, with your help, Heero, I'd like to get over my problem. I need your support. I'd—I'd like to get help."

__

Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in

Tried to be more than me

And I gave til it all went away

And we've only surrendered

To the worst part of these winters we made

"Oh, Duo, you know how happy that makes me? I can't stand seeing you suffer like this anymore. I thought I had lost you today…I couldn't bear the thought of having to live without you. You are my world…I just wish I had told you sooner," Heero said.

"I wish I had reached out. I have a serious problem. It's not something I can get over myself. I know I need help. I don't want to continue living like this. I actually want to *live*," Duo whispered, his eyes filling up with tears once more.

Heero smiled. "Believe me, Duo, I'll help you as much as I can. I'll be here for you. I just want you to get better. I love you," Heero said again, his smile growing wider.

__

I am all that I'll ever be

When you lay your hands

Over me

but don't you go weak on me now

I know that it's weak

But God help me I need this

I will not sleep in this bed of lies

"I love you too, Heero," Duo said, suppressing a yawn. His body was exhausted…he had been so worn out lately. Duo closed his eyes as he yawned, the concept of sleep very appealing to him at the moment.

"Get some sleep, love," Heero said quietly, leaning over and placing a tender kiss on Duo's lips. Duo moaned in delight as he deepened the kiss, feeling delighted. Heero loved him after all…

When the kiss broke, Duo lay back against the pillows and shut his eyes, sleep quickly claiming him. Heero just sat there, watching the boy he loved sleep, content that things would be much brighter from now on.

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical 1x2


	8. Chapter Eight: Redefine

The Depths of a Black Haze  
Eternally 1x2  
and   
Mystical 1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We don't own the song "Redefine" either. That belongs to Seven Dust.   
Author's Note: Thanks for the positive reviews! ^_^ But in reference to a few select reviews, this fic is not yet finished. Nope…**Seven was not the last chapter…we have several more chapters to come! Mystical1x2 and I would never leave a fic in such a spot as thought by quite a few people! Grr… **  
*ahem* Anyway, yes, there's more to come. We have all kinds of things planned for this fic. ^_~ -Eternally 1x2  
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, and OOC 

Chapter Eight: Redefine

***

__

Just sit down right here in front of me  
I'll let you see   
Connect your face to the fist  
I'll show you what you can be

Duo's chest rose and fell with each breath as he slept. In the dimness of the hospital room, Heero gazed at the slumbering form with sadness glazed over his eyes. Sure Duo looked peaceful now, but what hell had ruled his life over the past three years?   
The effects were obvious Heero noted as his eyes roamed over Duo's body. The most visible was the weight loss. Duo's naturally thin build was thinner than usual. His bones protruded more than they were supposed to – especially his cheekbones. Why he hadn't noticed earlier, Heero wasn't too sure. Perhaps the sheer happiness of seeing Duo again had literally blinded him. Yes, he was indeed blinded…so many scars on the beautiful boy's body…   
Heero gently grasped Duo's hand and gazed at the underside of the boy's wrist. It was torn…so many remnants of cuts. Puffy scar tissue flawed the creamy skin. And it appeared that many of the gashes along Duo's lower arm were made quite recently. Dark red growth encrusted each newer wound. They overlapped each other – old and new. There were scars that had clearly been torn open over and over again. The once clear, flawless skin was now shredded. _Cutting_. Why had Duo resorted to such torture?   
Well, at least Duo admitted he needed help, and that's all that really mattered at this moment. He was going to get help. But if only Heero had known sooner…if only he had known about Duo's pain, then perhaps something could have been done before it had gotten this bad.   
Heero felt a deep hollow in his stomach. Duo had said he loved him. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever hoped Duo would feel love for him. Their feelings had been mutual…that was the case. Why hadn't he been there for Duo? The breathtakingly beautiful creature sleeping on the hospital bed had not deserved such torment and pain. Heero felt he was to blame for all of the anguish Duo endured. He knew he could never fully make it up to Duo – there would always be those scars, but he would try. He squeezed Duo's hand, and brought it to his lips. Ever so gently, he laid a small kiss on Duo's knuckle.

__

No one to hear all your cries  
No one to hear you beg  
Listen to me why can't you see  
You are with me  
Positioned under me

***  
Duo awoke slowly that morning. For the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, he felt no pain. Other than the pain in his gut, but that was just physical. He had come to learn that physical pain did not compare whatsoever to emotional pain. Even before he opened his eyes, he knew he was happy. A smile crossed his face – a strange feeling indeed to one whom had not truly smiled in an eternity.   
And he had every reason in the world to be happy. The one person he though could never love him back did. He pictured Heero's face when they had confessed their mutual feelings. Heero loved him…it was not a lie. Typically Duo would persuade himself that that was nothing more then a cruel joke or fabrication. He truly believed no one could love someone like him. But the look in Heero's eyes when he said 'I love you' was a look of honesty and sincerity. Duo had never felt happier in his life. His feelings were nothing short of pure, ecstatic delight.  
_"Heero…"_ He muttered as his large, violet eyes slid open. The room was bright with the morning sunshine gleaming through the window and about as cheery as a hospital room could get. Duo's gaze shifted about the room and stopped when he saw who was sleeping soundly next to him in a chair. His smile widened. The thrill that Heero had actually stayed with him throughout the night entranced him. More proof that he actually cared.   
Just as Duo was basking in the glory of a sleeping Heero, the Japanese boy chose that moment to stir. Duo held his breath as Heero stretched lightly and opened his eyes. He straightened up, and looked around the room as if in surprise at first. But when he saw Duo, the confusion seemed to drain from his eyes and they softened with only a slight hint of concern.   
"Duo?" He stood from his chair and stepped beside Duo's bed. Duo looked up at him with a smile, but did not say a word. Heero, nevertheless, grabbed Duo's hand – the look of concern growing in his cobalt eyes. "Duo, how are you feeling? Are you all right?"  
The American boy squeezed Heero's hand. "I'm fine Heero – thanks to you."   
Heero stared at him blankly for a second. "What did I do?"  
"Heero, I owe you everything. My life…everything." Duo's eyes were full of sincerity.  
Heero gave a slight smile. His unwavering eyes stayed locked with Duo's. "I don't know what to say. I just-"  
A soft knock silenced Heero's words. Following the soft knock came an even softer voice. "Are we interrupting?" The two sets of eyes shot to the doorway. In the entrance stood three figures looking ahead solemnly. Quatre stood in front of Trowa and Wufei. He seemed to be trying to smile, but the attempt failed.   
Heero straightened up and gazed at the three without words. Duo, too, remained silent. Memories of the past month started to besiege his already tortured mind with the appearance of the other pilots. The thoughts of Quatre snapping at him over the phone…the thoughts of the cutting…the alcoholic binge at Quatre's place…Wufei's bitter words – all horrid memories came back. He felt tense and ashamed. What would they say to him? He had made such a fool of himself…And the wedding! It was supposed to occur the previous afternoon. Had he ruined the wedding? His stomach churned…he had that overwhelming pained and lonely feeling once more. He couldn't look any of the others in the eye. The room was unbearably silent. The angry and spiteful voices in his head were louder than ever. They were relentless – any positive thing he had felt earlier was now drowned out by those unmerciful voices.   
_'He's a disgrace.' _Wufei's heartless voice echoed throughout his mind. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, covered his ears, and brought his knees to his chest. The silence hurt. It was painful and unbearable. It killed him inside. It ate away Heero's gentle words, and left only bitter ones. No happiness – a disgrace such as himself was not meant to be happy. He should have died. He should have died from overdose.   
_'You shouldn't be alive. You don't deserve to live amongst people, you disgrace.' _A loathsome voice cried out loudly. It echoed in his ears as he felt the tears sting his eyes._ 'Die.' _It screamed. _'No one will mourn you. You have no reason to burden these people anymore. Die.' _

Die.

Heero and the others watched in dismay as Duo curled himself tightly in a fetal position.   
"Duo…" Heero's eyes widened in horror. Were those tears streaming down the other boy's face? What had happened? He was fine just a few moments before. Heero bent down and pulled close to him, and gently rocked the trembling body.   
"What's wrong with him?" Heero barely heard Wufei's voice with his mind spiraling. He glanced quickly over his shoulder at the three stunned faces behind him. Scarcely audible, he mumbled, "I don't know…"

__

No one to hear all your cries  
No one to hear you beg  
Listen to me why can't you see  
You are with me  
Positioned under me

Duo didn't hear the anxious commotion given by the other three pilots, nor did he feel Heero's strong arms rock his tormented body. The voice was loud, almost deafeningly so. 

__

'Useless disgrace.'

Duo wanted to cry out. He wanted to silence the voice, but it controlled him. His mind was under its ruthless power. It wanted him to grieve…and it _was_ succeeding.   
Now the tears fell freely from his eyes. They streamed down his cheeks without cease. He didn't know about Heero's firm grip and comforting words…if he had, he wouldn't have cared. He was lost in a deep and dark abyss. It wrapped him tightly in its depths – almost to the point where he couldn't breath. The murkiness of the black haze was smothering. He found as he struggled, he could not move his limbs. It seemed as if there were a pair of arms holding him back…not allowing any movement whatsoever. He was stuck.   
Heero continued to hold Duo tightly as one of the others called for a nurse or doctor. The boy suddenly began to struggle violently. His arms tried to flair and his body tried to escape from the tight grip encasing him, but Heero's strength remained steadfast. In vain, he held Duo, trying desperately to comfort the tortured soul.   
Meanwhile, Duo had begun to understand he had to listen to that voice…until now it had never been so prevalent. It had been there, but Duo had chosen to ignore it. But now…Heero had admitted something so special…and for a few moments, Duo had felt worthy. For the first time, (probably in his life), he had felt needed – and loved. 

__

'Lies…' the voice spoke in the thickness. _'Nothing but lies…he doesn't love you. Who could possibly love a useless, disgraceful piece of garbage?'_

Duo listened intently as his struggling ceased. What was the use to fight the unseen force just so he didn't have to listen to that voice? It was telling him nothing but the truth. The only voice he had heard that had actually been truthful to him…kind of ironic, really. The voice trying to destroy him was winning over the voice that had professed love to him. He grew completely still and lost himself in that eternal oblivion.  
Heero's tight hold loosened as he felt Duo become completely relaxed. He continued to hold his hands over his ears, and his eyes were tightly shut, but there was no movement whatsoever.   
Heero knew he didn't want to let go. Something was seriously wrong. How could he have been foolish enough to think Duo was okay? Gently, he stroked Duo's hair (now sweaty and matted), while his mind evaluated the boy's present condition. His hospital gown hung loosely on his pale, thin body and was damp with a cold sweat. Duo's skin felt frigid and clammy. But he was motionless – almost to the point of being lifeless, in fact.   
It seemed Duo left his body, for now he could feel nothing. It was just him…him and that voice…that spiteful, evil voice. It continued its assault as a doctor and a few nurses entered the hospital room. They ushered the others out, but Heero didn't want to let go of Duo's now fragile form. The doctor looked at him and pointed to the door.   
"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave."   
Heero scowled, but hesitantly eased Duo's body against the bed. He did not move a muscle and remained in the fetal position. Taking one last look at the longhaired boy, Heero sighed and exited the room. 

__

Let you live   
I depend   
On your will   
Do you see what's running through me  
  
***  
Heero stood leaning against a wall outside the room along with the other three. Except for the usual clicking of heels, and phone ringing in the distance, the hallway on the third floor of the hospital was extremely quiet…almost too quiet for Heero's taste. He tried in vain to listen close to the door…just to see what was going on in the room. The worry he felt deep inside ate away at him.  
The others watched him carefully…it was quite clear he was lost in another world. He stared ahead blankly, for there was no hint of emotion on his face. All three could sense the worry that he was enduring, but none said a word – each not quite sure how to talk to Heero at that moment. None had seen him like he was then. But each felt they were to blame for the misdeeds that had been done over the course of time…the time that Duo had endured alone and depressed. No one had bothered to contact him; each too caught up in their new found lives to even care. Quatre, feeling a slight pang of guilt, broke the murderous silence.   
"Heero?" He paused a moment and waited for a reaction from the other boy. Heero seemed to return from whatever world had engulfed him. Slowly, and seemingly confused, Heero turned his head in the direction of Quatre's voice. He seemed to see with unseeing eyes…his face was so blank.   
The lack of expression made Quatre uncomfortable, but he continued nevertheless. "Heero…I'm sorry…I feel as if I'm to blame for all Duo has suffered…"   
Trowa stepped behind the small blonde quickly. "What? Quatre…" He gazed down at him in disbelief. Wufei remained silent while watching Heero's reaction attentively.   
Quatre's apology brought a wave of emotion over Heero's stoic face. He almost glared at Quatre with disbelief and puzzlement…it almost seemed as if he did not know how to respond, but after a few agonizing and silent moments, Heero opened his mouth to speak.   
"No, Quatre…it was my fault – entirely my fault. I should have done something, but I didn't. I would have never guessed he'd end up like this." Heero continued to lean against the wall as if he could not stand without it. He cast his gaze forward, but immediately squeezed his eyes shut as disturbing images were drawn in his mind. The images of the cuts on Duo's thin, pale arm…the images of Duo sitting on that bed and swallowing that last pill…the images of Duo lying totally helpless on that hospital bed. He truly felt…no, he truly _knew_ that he was to blame for all Duo suffered. But he would help him…somehow Heero would help Duo live through this nightmare. He wasn't quite sure how, but desperately, he would try.   
By this time, the wait had seemed eternal. The four had stood outside of that door for about ten minutes…what could be going on in there? The wait was killing Heero. He wished he could do something…he wanted to rush into the room, take Duo in his arms, out of this hospital, and away from everyone and everything. Take him somewhere where they could be alone…somewhere where he could help Duo recuperate. Heero decided once Duo was released, he would take Duo home with him…he wouldn't ever leave him again. He just couldn't bare the thought of Duo suffering any longer. It wasn't right…  
At that moment, the nurses and doctor that had barged into the room exited. The doctor, who was just behind the nurses, stopped and faced Heero with a grim expression on his face.   
"Mr. Yuy, I'm not sure what just happened to your friend. He seemed to lapse from reality, I suppose. As it is quite obvious, he is suffering from severe depression, and psychiatric help is mandatory and must be sought after immediately."  
Heero nodded. "How much longer must he stay here?"  
"He's being released today as planned. There's not much more we can do. He needs a psychiatrist immediately."   
Quatre broke in. "Are you sure he is well enough to be released? I mean, the episode we just witnessed…what was that?"  
The doctor turned and faced Quatre. "As I said, I'm not sure. My guess it that something triggered a depressing memory, and that was his way of coping with it. But he seems to be fine now. He's sitting up in bed, but he said not a word. Anyway, I need to talk with one of you right now about his release from the hospital, and finding a qualified psychiatrist in his area."  
Though he badly wanted to see Duo, Heero stepped forward…he had to get Duo help. "He'll be coming home with me," he replied to the doctor, "so I suppose you need to talk to me."   
The doctor just nodded and motioned for Heero to follow him. "The rest of you can go in and see him if you'd like." He directed this to the other three.  
As Heero walked ahead with the doctor, he glanced back in envy as Quatre and the others stepped into the hospital room. He wondered desperately what Duo was feeling at that moment…  
***

__

So I'm wrong   
I'm not alone   
Seems like you're scared   
You're holding me back again  
  
Duo sat in the hospital room alone. Well, almost alone anyway. There was that hateful voice…it still made its evil comments, but it didn't affect Duo in anyway. In his lapse from the real world, he had had a revelation. He was not capable of being loved – in any way. Heero had lied to him…Duo knew he was an unwanted loser. Why Heero had said the things he did, Duo wasn't too sure. But it didn't matter…they were nothing more than pernicious lies. Perhaps it was Heero's way of poking fun at him. Maybe he just wanted to lure Duo into a false sense of security. Yes, Duo concluded, that was it…Heero didn't love him. It was quite the contrary, in fact. Heero hated him and he wanted to see him hurt – he wanted to see him suffer. It was working.  
As Duo lost himself in his thoughts yet again, the hospital room door opened, and Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei walked in. Quatre and Trowa approached the hospital bed with sympathetic faces. Those faces were nothing more than masks, Duo figured. Wufei, on the other hand, had his usual heartless face on. Now _that_ was a truthful look. Duo knew Wufei never liked him, and at least he was being honest about it. _Unlike the others…_   
Duo's gaze dropped and he slid back into the pillow. He refused to look any of the other pilots in eye. What was the point? If he did look into those eyes, especially Quatre and Trowa's eyes, he was would see nothing more than lies. He hated being lied to, but it seemed that almost no one had the decency to tell them what they really thought about him.   
"Oh, Duo? Are you okay? We were so worried…" Quatre was the first to speak. His voice was sympathetic and mellow.   
_'Liar.' _The voice responded. Duo didn't say a word. He continued to stare downwards, but nodded a response.  
"Duo? What's wrong? What happened to you?" Quatre asked anxiously.  
Duo's face shot up. "Why do you-" He stopped himself. "I mean, I didn't mean to worry you…" His gaze sank down once more.  
_'…Nothing but a burden…'  
_"An-and," He began, his stare still cast downward. "And I'm sorry I ruined your wedding…"  
Trowa and Quatre glanced at each other, both a little too stunned to speak. Wufei still remained silent.  
"Duo…you didn't ruin our wedding." Quatre kneeled beside the bed and took Duo's hand.  
"No," Trowa began, "we've decided to move it to a later date. It's probably better that way."   
Duo felt a pain deep inside of his body. For some reason, that comment hurt…badly.  
Quatre sighed. "We were just worried about your safety. We want to wait until you're better."   
_'Damn liars…' _the unmerciful voice chimed in, _'…they couldn't care less. They don't like you, Duo. They're nothing but liars. And you're nothing but a burden. They'd be married and happy right now if it wasn't for you.' _This time Duo did nothing to try and stop the voice from speaking. He continued to stare at the sheets around him. Quatre and Trowa would have been married, and quite happy. If he hadn't overdosed, then everything would be back to normal now. He could be home drowning his sorrows with some alcohol, or watching the bloody pain seep down his arm after cutting. Either that or he could be dead. If only Heero hadn't found him, and then he wouldn't know about the pain he was causing everyone else…why they were pained over him, he didn't know. But it didn't matter, did it? He was miserable, and he was going to continue to be miserable. As Wufei had said, he was a disgrace, and a disgrace such as him did not deserve the happiness that others felt.

Confused I'll hold all your   
thoughts from you   
You're close to me   
You hide from your own fears   
Now I'll set them free 

Heero chose that moment to enter the room. With a focused look on his face, he headed straight for Duo's bedside. Duo, although quite aware of Heero's presence, continued to gaze downwards. His hands grabbed handfuls of the top sheet of which he was wrapped in. He grasped the sheet tightly as if it were his protection.   
Heero took Quatre's spot and stood next to Duo. "Duo…" he paused as if he were trying to think of the right words to say. "Duo, I hope you don't mind…but, I want to take you home with me…just so I can make sure you get the help you need."  
Duo grasped the clumps of sheets tighter. "…Help?" _'You're beyond help. You're a hopeless cause.'  
_"Yes. I've been given the name and address of a good psychiatrist close to where I live." He paused. "You said you wanted help, right?"  
The longhaired boy's eyes darted about the bed nervously. He felt his skin begin to perspire. "Uh…yeah…help…"  
Heero watched as Duo began to shiver….  
_'You disgrace…what help could anyone offer you? You're a disgrace and an embarrassment.'  
_Disgrace.  
Duo felt waves of nervousness and anxiety fall over his body. He trembled…it felt so cold against his skin.  
Nothing more than a disgrace.

__

No one to hear all your cries   
No one to hear you beg  
  
"I'm a disgrace…" He muttered to himself. "A disgrace…a useless disgrace…disgrace…just like Wufei said…"  
The others gasped at Duo's whispered words. Clearly they were nothing more than a delirious ramble, but that ramble had said quite a bit. Heero, Quatre, Trowa all turned simultaneously and glared at Wufei. Wufei, who had remained silent up until that point, felt shock and a stab of guilt. Heero felt the sudden urge to strangle the Chinese boy, remembering all too well the moment Wufei had said those horrible words about Duo…It became clear to them all. Duo had listened in on they're conversation, and decided after hearing the hateful words, that he would attempt to kill himself.   
Heero turned away from Wufei, suddenly feeling that Duo was the most important person to think of at the moment. He leaned over Duo's trembling form, and lifted his face up so they were making eye contact. He almost gasped as he looked Duo in the eyes…there was nothing but pain in those orbs. It was a tragic site indeed, those eyes had been the same eyes contained such light in them only three years before. Duo didn't try to fight the eye contact.  
Heero tried to find the words to say, but Duo's eyes were so intent, and so pained, he found it quite hard to speak. But he knew had to. "Duo, you're not a disgrace."  
_'Liar.'_  
"Nothing could be farther from the truth. Whatever you heard, do not believe it. You're not a disgrace to any of us."  
_'You damn liar…'  
_Despite the sincerity in Heero's voice, Duo didn't believe him…the voice in his head was correct. Heero pulled away from Duo as the next words were uttered from the braided boy's lips.  
"Heero, you don't need to lie to me." The voice had found its way to Duo's vocal cords, and was now speaking for him. "You didn't even stand up for me when he said it…you agree with him….I don't want to be lied to anymore…" 

Listen to me. why can't you see   
You are with me   
Positioned under me __

***  
Author Note: Please forgive me. I know this chapter didn't come out very well, but I had a great deal of trouble with it. I've been working on it for over a month, and have just had some difficulty. ~Eternally 1x2  
Comments? Criticism? We want to know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2


	9. Chapter Nine: Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

The Depths of a Black Haze

by Eternally 1x2

and

Mystical 1x2

Chapter Nine: Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

Disclaimer: We don't own GW, never have and never will. We also don't own the song "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)". That belongs to Metallica.

Warnings: Yaoi, angst, and OOC!

***

__

Welcome to where time stands still

No one leaves and no one will

Moon is full, never seems to change

Just labeled mentally deranged

Heero was hurt by the words Duo had muttered just a few short minutes ago. Why did Duo feel that Heero was lying to him? Not too long ago, Duo had thanked Heero for all he had done to save his life. But those biting words had stung Heero far worse than anything in the world ever did - or ever could. Feeling the need, the urge to speak, Heero begged, "Duo - please, Duo, I need you to look at me."

Not hesitating for even a moment, the voice said, _'Don't look, you filthy piece of trash. It's only a trick, a deception. Don't allow yourself to be fooled. How could Heero possible care about you, when all you do is nauseate him?'_

Hearing this, Duo whimpered, turned to his side, and curled up tightly, wrapping the blankets securely around his pale and perspiring body. He shivered once more, feeling incredibly cold despite the layers of blankets covering his too-thin form. _ 'How could anyone love you?' _the voice sneered, once more taking control of Duo's body. _'Just look at yourself. You're pathetic_. _ You deserve to die...why don't you just die?_' As the voice continued to speak, Duo felt lower and lower. "I'm the lowest scum on the planet," Duo whispered quietly, continuing to tremble.

Heero glanced at Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, pleading desperately with his eyes for the three of them to leave the room and allow the Japanese boy some time alone with Duo. Understanding, the other three nodded and left. Heero then approached Duo's bed and gently laid a hand on the terrified boy's shoulder. Not one reaction came from Duo. It was as if he felt nothing at all.

'_You can do it now, Duo. Just kill yourself. See those sheets? Wrap them around your neck...tie them tightly...he won't be able to stop you...you'll be dead in a matter of minutes. You won't cause Heero or anybody else anymore grief. Isn't that what you want? So go ahead...strangle yourself. End it all._'

Heero's hand slipped away as Duo sat up, a blank look plastered across his face as if he was hypnotized. The Japanese boy watched as Duo covered himself with the blankets. Heero saw Duo's body start to struggle underneath the blankets, and stopped after a few short moments. Confused, Heero pulled back the blankets, and his eyes widened in horror at what he saw before him.

Duo was lying on his side, the sheets of his hospital bed wrapped tightly around his neck. Short, choked sobs somehow escaped his throat as Duo held the sheets tightly in place. Frantically, Heero climbed on the bed and pulled Duo into his arms, trying to unwrap the sheets from around Duo's neck. The braided boy struggled, refusing to loosen his grip as Heero fought with him.

Tears stung Heero's eyes as he desperately tried to help the boy he loved with all of his heart. Nothing seemed to be working. Heero started panicking as he saw Duo's lips start to turn blue. He was losing him, and fast. Frantically, Heero tugged at the sheets, trying to unwrap them from around the American boy's neck. Slowly, Duo's beautiful violet orbs began to close, and his arms fell from their place and hung limply at his sides. Seeing his chance, Heero quickly removed the sheets and threw them aside. Gently, he held Duo against his chest as he coughed and gasped for air. Heero rubbed Duo's back in smooth, gentle circles, trying to calm him.

"Ssh...Duo, it's okay. Everything's okay now," the Japanese boy comforted, while his mind began racing wildly. Duo needed help as quickly as possible. They needed to get out of here - the people around here sure as hell weren't providing Duo with the kind of help he desperately needed.

Gently, Heero rocked Duo in his arms like a baby, trying to ease him to sleep. A few minutes later, he heard Duo's shallow breathing even out, and knew that sleep had claimed him. Heero intended on asking his love some questions later, but for now, he felt sleep was best. Tenderly, Heero placed a light kiss on the top of Duo's head, hoping the nightmares that plagued his every waking moment didn't torment him in his sleep.

***

__

Dream the same thing every night

I see our freedom in my sight

No locked doors, no windows barred

No things to make my brain seemed scarred

__

Duo sat on the bathroom floor, razorblade in hand. All around him, everything was black...blacker than his already tormented soul felt. The pain...it was back. It was as if the pain never left - no, it would never leave, Duo realized. No matter what he did, the pain just would not go away. No matter how many times he cut, the pain remained. It festered inside him.

Duo started sobbing, each cry that escaped his lips reminding him of the pain and agony he endured every second of his useless, disgraceful life. Raising the blade to his wrist, Duo began to cut. He needed the pain to wash away for a few blissful seconds...as the blood flowed from his wrist, the pain escaped his body...even if it was only for a few minutes or seconds. He needed that escape - his escape from reality.

To Duo's dismay, the blood did not flow this time. Duo was cutting, but no blood escaped the deep cut he had created in his wrist. Furiously, Duo kept cutting, each slash on his already sore wrist producing no results. "Come on, damn it...bleed!" Duo pleaded, trying his best to make himself feel cleansed. Duo tore at the skin, ripped it apart with each touch of the razorblade...but each effort was in vain. No blood seeped from his fresh wound, resulting in no pain being washed away.

The American boy couldn't take it anymore. He needed to get away from it all - the pain was just too unbearable. Standing, Duo started to run - he ran from the bathroom, away from the murky darkness. He came across a hallway, and ran down it, intending on reaching its end. But Duo saw as he continued to run, that the hallway seemed to have no end. Every corner Duo turned, he came across a person whom he thought had cared, but in reality, hated him.

First was Quatre - sweet, caring Quatre, or so Duo had thought in the beginning. The blonde Arabian's hateful voice rang in Duo's ears in a loathsome tone. "You dirty piece of filth - you've ruined everything. Trowa and I would have been happily married if it wasn't for you. It's all your fault," Quatre sneered, glaring at Duo with utter contempt.

"I'm sorry, Quatre...I made a mistake...please, I'm sorry," Duo pleaded, begging Quatre for his forgiveness.

Quatre shook his head. "Sorry doesn't make things better, Duo...God, you sicken me. Get out of my sight, you selfish, disgusting disgrace for a human being," he spat, turning away from Duo with hate in his eyes. The braided boy hung his head in shame as tears stung his violet orbs. He continued running around the next bend, where Trowa was waiting for him.

Trowa's green eyes bore into Duo's like a pair of hot coals. "You disgust me," Trowa said hatefully, his usual expressionless face showing anger and contempt. "You don't deserve to live among us. You are an unworthy human being. You should have died on the streets a long time ago...it sure would have done this world a favor." With that, Trowa turned his back on Duo, not wanting to sicken himself any further.

The tears continued to pour from Duo's eyes as he ran around the next corner - and saw Wufei, who looked at Duo with a pure grimace on his face. When Duo got closer, Wufei began to laugh - a cruel, heartless laugh, which mocked Duo for everything that he was, and everything he couldn't have been.

"Duo..." Wufei muttered, shaking his head. "You disgrace." Those two words were all Wufei needed to say, and all Duo needed to hear. Hurt beyond belief, he continued running, knowing the only person left was the one who had spoken of his love for him.

Breathing hard, Duo turned the next corner, and sure enough, there was Heero...looking as beautiful as ever. A smile growing on his face, Duo approached the Japanese boy. Reaching him, he wrapped his trembling arms around Heero, burying his face in the crook of his loved one's neck. "Heero..." Duo whispered, breathing in the heavenly scent that was only Heero.

However, the reaction Heero gave him wasn't one Duo had been expecting. Instead of returning the embrace, Heero angrily shoved Duo away, a hateful look on his face. "Get away from me...you nauseate me, you no-good street rat," Heero snarled, pushing Duo once again so he fell on his back. Bending down, Heero spat on Duo and smirked, then turned and walked away.

Duo lay there, sobbing painfully. The whole world was against him...everyone hated him. Heero had downright lied to him. The braided boy thought with all of his heart that Heero was telling the truth when he said those three words...but Duo had been wrong.

So, so wrong.

Duo continued to lay there, crying his heart out. Nobody loved him. Never did, and never would.

***

__

Sleep my friend and you will see

That dream is my reality

They keep me locked up in this cage

Can't they see it's why my brain says Rage

Heero felt Duo tense up in his arms. Small whimpers escaped the American boy's lips as he started to struggle in Heero's arms. Heero's gaze fell downward, and what he saw pained him. Duo's face was contorted into an expression of agony. Even in sleep, his nightmares plagued him.

Heero started to stroke Duo's hair, trying to soothe him. "Ssh...Duo, it's all right...I'm here," Heero reassured, wondering if the braided boy could hear him. Duo continued to struggle, thrashing his head from side to side as Heero continued to hold him. The Japanese boy tightened his hold on Duo, trying desperately to comfort him. He placed a gentle kiss on Duo's forehead, hoping it would help calm him a little.

Heero sighed in relief as Duo relaxed and stopped thrashing. His violet eyes slowly opened, and he looked up curiously at Heero. When he realized who was holding him, Duo pulled away, an upset expression on his troubled face. Ashamed, Duo looked away. He just couldn't face Heero's eyes. They were so beautiful...while his own were so ugly and despicable.

Heero reached out and cupped Duo's chin in his hands. He lifted Duo's face, forcing him to look into his blue eyes. "Duo...what's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "Why won't you look at me? Is something bothering you? Please, talk to me," Heero pleaded.

Duo sighed, remaining silent. He couldn't face Heero...he truly knew how Heero felt about him. It was all a lie - hell, his whole damn life was a living lie.

"We're going back to my house, Duo...you're staying with me until you're better. Tomorrow, I'm taking you to the best psychiatrist in my area. I'll stick by you through this, Duo...I love you," Heero said, stroking Duo's cheek with his thumb.

__

Agree with him, Duo, the voice persuaded. _ He'll be much easier to fool if he thinks that you actually want help. Lead him in the wrong direction, and it will be easier to get rid of him._

Slowly, Duo nodded. "Sure, Heero...whatever you say," he said quietly. He let Heero scoop him up into his arms, and the Japanese boy carried Duo away from that awful hospital to a place where his love would hopefully recover at.

__

Sanitarium, leave me be

Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Not realizing he had closed them, Duo's eyes slowly blinked open, and he squinted as sunlight attacked his violet orbs. He looked around, confused. "Where are we?" he asked groggily, wondering how long he had been asleep.

"We're at my house," Heero informed him, rising from the driver's seat and walking over to the other side of the car. He opened the door and helped Duo, who was still a little unaware, get out. He gently held Duo's hand as he led him into the house, his face showing concern for the boy he loved.

As both boys entered the house, Duo began to get nervous. It had been three days since he had touched alcohol. He had never gone this long without it - ever. Starting to tremble, Duo looked fearfully into Heero's eyes. "Heero...where's the alcohol...?" the braided boy asked, not even aware of the words that were coming out of his mouth.

Heero suddenly stopped, a look of horror crossing his face. He looked at Duo, whose shakes had suddenly become worse. Beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. "Please...Heero..." Duo pleaded desperately. "I need it..."

Heero shook his head violently. "No, Duo...you certainly do not need it. I'm going to get you off that stuff if it's the last thing I do." Heero took Duo's hand and led him to his bedroom, Duo trying to break out of Heero's grip and gain access to any type of alcohol...at this point, he didn't give a damn what kind it was, just as long as it contained alcohol. However, in Duo's weakened state, his efforts didn't help much, and he found himself being dragged to Heero's room against his own free will.

__

Build my fear of what's out there

And cannot breathe the open air

Whisper things into my brain

Assuring me that I'm insane

Reaching his room, Heero forced Duo onto the bed as he shut and locked the door behind them. After doing so, the Japanese boy crossed the room over to Duo, who had curled himself into a fetal position, still continuing to shake. Heero placed a hand on Duo's shoulder and took in a sharp breath as the one he loved flinched at his touch. Heero then sat on the bed and talked to Duo in as gentle and soothing a tone as possible. "Duo, I'm doing this for your own good...if you don't give up this drug, it will make it more impossible for you to get the help you need," Heero said.

__

But I don't want to get help. I want my life to end, Duo thought, but instead of saying that aloud, all he let escape his lips was a pained whimper.

Once again, the voice interfered. _Duo, don't you see? If you agree to what he's saying, he won't suspect a thing. Later tonight, while that fool's asleep, just sneak out to a bar and fulfill your needs. You can survive until tonight, can't you? You've already lasted three days...what more will a few hours matter?_

Succumbing to the voice, Duo stopped trembling and looked at Heero. A smile formed on his face, and while Heero took it to be a smile of contentment, it was a smile of evil and deceit. "Okay, Heero...I trust you. It's for my own good," he said.

Smiling himself, Heero took Duo's head in his hands and kissed him. "I'm so glad you're allowing me to help you, love," Heero replied, then instantly yawned. Duo's grin grew wider. He might not have to wait so long after all...

__

They think our heads are in their hands

But violent use brings violent plans

Keep him tied, it makes him well

He's getting better, can't you tell?

"Heero, you look tired. Why don't you get some rest?" Duo suggested with fake sincerity, and was glad when Heero nodded slowly, his eyelids slowly drooping. Duo helped Heero to lie down on his bed, and was pleased when he heard light snores emit from Heero's lips after two minutes. After making sure Heero was really asleep, Duo quietly unlocked the door and left the house, intending to find the closest bar possible in the quickest amount of time.

As soon as Duo closed the door behind him, Heero's eyes shot open. He had heard something that had instantly awakened him. Glancing around the room, alert as a cat, Heero cursed when he saw that Duo was nowhere in sight. He had a gut feeling that he had to find Duo, and fast. Without hesitation, Heero left the house, walking briskly in the direction he was sure Duo had headed in.

__

No more can they keep within

Listen, damn it, we will win

They see it right, they see it well

But they think this saves us from our hell

Duo cursed as his search for a bar was failing. He needed a drink...he could feel it in his veins. It had been so long...more than three days without a drop of alcohol. The longest he had ever gone was a day, and that even killed him inside. If he didn't find something soon, he didn't know what he would do.

All of a sudden, Duo didn't feel right. Something was off, and he knew it. He slowed his pace as he tried to figure out what was happening. Before he could even think, he fell to the ground, immediately losing consciousness.

__

Sanitarium, leave me be

Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Sanitarium, just leave me alone

Heero heard a loud thud from around the corner of the street he was on. His main concern at the moment was finding Duo, but he knew that a person was in danger. Heero ran the rest of the way down the street and turned the corner, hurrying over to the convulsing body on the ground. Someone was having a seizure, and would need help fast.

Upon reaching the body, Heero knelt next to it, and his worst fears were confirmed. Duo was having a seizure - but how? He knew that the American boy didn't have epilepsy, so what else could it be? Not stopping to think about it, Heero quickly picked Duo up and cradled his body in his arms like a small child, quickly heading to the nearest hospital, hoping to find answers there.

__

Fear of living on

Natives getting restless now

Mutiny in the air

Got some death to do

Mirror stares back hard

Kill, it's such a friendly word seems the only way

For reaching out again

"Mr. Yuy."

Heero's head jerked up as he heard someone utter his name. Two doctors were standing in front of him, one obviously a medical doctor, and the other a psychiatrist. "I just want to inform you that Mr. Maxwell is doing just fine, and is resting in the main ward of the hospital. We'd like to keep him here for a couple nights just to monitor his condition. We don't want to be too careful," the female doctor explained, then motioned over to the man standing by her side. "This is Dr. Brennan, the psychiatrist assigned to treat Duo," she introduced the two. Dr. Brennan stuck out his hand, and Heero shook it firmly.

"Mr. Yuy, Duo had been suffering the severe symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. If it had been a little longer, he wouldn't have survived. We hope to have him weened off the alcohol after his short visit at this hospital. However, I want to begin treatment immediately," he explained, removing a small pill bottle from his pocket and handing it to Heero. "Here is a small dose of some strong anti-depressants which I have prescribed for Duo. If these work, I'll give him a bigger prescription. I just want to test them out first. Give them to him immediately, and let me know how everything turns out. Here's my number," Dr. Brennan concluded, handing Heero a business card. "Give me a call in about a week, and let me know his progress. Then we can begin full treatment." The doctor looked at his watch. "I have other patients to tend to, so I must be on my way. Good day," he said, turning and walking briskly down the hall of the hospital.

Heero looked at the small bottle curiously. He hoped that these drugs would work, and Duo would be back to the way he was when Heero knew him when they were Gundam pilots. With that thought in mind, Heero headed to Duo's room, intending to have a long discussion with him.

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2


	10. Chapter Ten: Just Go

The Depths of a Black Haze  
by Eternally 1x2  
and   
Mystical1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW. We never have, and most certainly never will. Don't own the song either...it belongs to Staind.  
Warnings: Yaoi, angst, and what you may consider OOC...  
  
  
  


Chapter Ten: Just Go  
  
  


***  
_I'm kinda numb   
It's so distorted   
You left me here with this damage that you've caused   
My tortured faces   
I've fucked up places   
In my memories none of them I've lost, but..._

The bottle fell to the tiled bathroom floor with a clatter. Duo glared at the spilt contents defiantly and sank to the floor next to the scattered mass. He sighed and picked up two of the discarded pills. Frustrated, he swallowed them.   
One month on the "anti-depressants" and he still felt like crap. But Heero continued to force him to take the useless medicine. At the beginning of Duo's stay with the Japanese boy, Heero had watched him take the pills -- just to be sure. Now he seemed to trust Duo enough to take the dosage on his own accord. And take them, Duo did. For some reason unbeknownst to him, he knew he had to do this...not for himself, but for Heero. Why did he feel that way? According to the voice, Heero did nothing but lie to him; just like everyone else. But nevertheless, he obeyed Heero's wishes.  
Just before Duo left the hospital, he and Heero had talked. It could be said that Heero was upset with him...but why? Duo didn't know why he thought that. He had tried to kill himself -- twice in fact...but why did Heero care? Why did it seem as if he did? But Duo's hopes that Heero may actually care were shot down by that unmerciful voice that dwelled in his mind. Heero was putting up a front -- a simple act...one so plain it could be seen through. Duo knew the truth. And he, too, could play Heero's little game.  
Duo smirked to himself as he pulled out a razor that was hidden beneath the bathroom sink. He had put on a real good show for Heero...Heero had thought everything was getting better. Nothing could have been  
further from the truth.  
He sat the small blade on the countertop as he pulled his shirt off, unbuttoned his jeans, and let the zipper down. He pulled his jeans and boxers down just a bit below the waistline where many strips of dark red scabs embedded in his pale skin. Grabbing the razor, and backing against the wall for support, he cut yet another wound into his flesh. He watched the pain seep from the slit, enjoying the feel of the blood trail down his skin and soak into the waistband of his boxers.   
The razor fell to the floor as the true excruciating pain hit. He huddled to the tiles and brought his knees to his chin. The wound was construed and sent more volts of pain, but Duo bit his lip and took it. Heero believed Duo had ceased the cutting...but he was wrong. Duo knew he couldn't stop and pretend everything was okay. But Heero continually checked Duo's wrists...so, Duo knew he had to find a new place to mutilate. Below his waistband seemed to be the perfect spot.  
Duo had told the psychiatrist he had been seeing that he continued to cut, however and fortunately, the psychiatrist did not make any mention of it to Heero. He had tried to help Duo, and Duo knew the psychiatrist thought he was making progress. But this doctor was not. The pain Duo felt could not be eased. No one could help...he was beyond any form of assistance. He had lost all hope long ago...one without hope cannot thrive.   
Duo looked up. Someone, obviously Heero, had knocked on the door. He stood up quickly and looked down at his torso...blood smeared his skin and stained his open jeans. He grabbed a towel and tried desperately to soak up the red liquid. The knocking persisted.   
"Y-yes?" He called out.  
"Duo, are you okay? You've been in there for a long time now...did you take the medicine?" Came the voice.  
Duo began to panic. The blood had soaked through his jeans...it was visible on the outside of the material. If he went out the door, Heero would see. "Yeah, I did." he called after quickly, hoping his voice didn't hint anything suspicious.  
There were a few moments of silence. "Duo? Are you sure you're okay?" The longhaired boy could hear the worry in the other's voice.  
Shocked at first, Duo wasn't sure how to respond. He heard sincere worry in that voice...but he shook his head. It couldn't be sincere...frustrated, he yelled, "Damn it, I'm fine. Would you stop with the fake-"  
He stopped himself from saying something that really did not need to be said. He didn't want, nor need, to be suspected of any further abnormal behavior. He was sick of medical care.   
Heero, still standing before the bathroom door, gaped at the hardwood in shock. The anger in Duo's voice was very apparent.   
"Duo...I'm just worried..." He finally said softly.  
Duo sighed to himself. "Don't be, Heero. Would ya leave me alone now? I'll be ready in a few minutes." _'Tired of the lies...why must he do this to me?'  
_Heero a deep twinge of pain as the longhaired boy uttered those words. "All right, Duo," he muttered, turning away from the door._  
_  
_I haven't been here long enough to know   
Every time I feel this I just lose control   
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful   
I wish that this would just go, go_

Duo sat the bloody towel down and listened at the door waiting for Heero's retreating footsteps to disappear. He didn't like to lash out, but he was tired of that nagging voice screaming at him. Its bitter words left wounds on his brain and caused scars on his body. It convinced him of the hatred every person obviously felt for him. Even when it seemed they were doing good deeds, they were in fact lying. Duo could never be sure why they lied to him - why they hid their fabrications with kind gestures. But that didn't matter one single bit. He knew the truth.   
Duo buttoned his jeans, never minding the pain that shot from the latest cut. Grabbing the towel, and holding the shirt in front of the bloodstain, Duo checked to make sure there was no red liquid on the tiles. The razor lay on the floor, but carefully he kicked it underneath the sink. Heero rarely came in this room, for it was the guest washroom. There would be no worry of him finding it. Besides, they weren't going to be home for a few days…  
Duo opened the bathroom door and peeked into the hallway. It was empty - safe to maneuver through. Crossing quickly, he reached his room. Closing the door, and sighing in relief at the same time, Duo sank down on a small wooden chair. A suitcase sat by the bed. Yes, they'd be gone for just a few short days. The marriage binding of Quatre and Trowa would take place the very next day. He regretted having to look into the eyes of the ones who hated him so, but he knew he had to attend the ceremony. Couldn't ruin his performance…

***

_It's kinda sick   
I feel so dirty   
I'm kinda tragic kinda insecure   
But I know that I'm the only   
One that can fix whatever's wrong I'm sure, but..._

Heero sat in the living area waiting patiently for Duo to emerge. The room was silent; the only sound came from his ever-loud conscience. He felt something was wrong - dreadfully wrong. Duo was supposed to be getting better, wasn't he? And in some way, it did seem like he was…Heero had found no traces of any new cuts on Duo's wrists.    
But Heero could not figure out why Duo had snapped at him.  
Perhaps he was sick of the Japanese boy's sudden overprotective nature. Heero felt he couldn't help but be cautious with Duo. He couldn't allow something to happen to Duo…no matter what Duo thought of him; the only thing he was concerned with was the longhaired boy's well being.   
Which arose another problem. Soon they'd face the others…he hoped that there would be no vulgar remarks concerning Duo from them - especially Wufei. Fortunately, they would just stay for the wedding, and then they'd come back home. It would be better that way.  
Finally, Heero heard Duo emerge from his room. Standing up, he watched the hallway until Duo had appeared with his suitcase. Heero stared at the ethereal creature before him…Duo was gorgeous. He had gained back some weight - he was no longer as skinny as he was when he had attempted suicide. However, Duo was beautiful in any way. Heero couldn't help but think that every time he laid eyes on his friend. He knew these thoughts weren't at all proper, but he loved Duo, and in the longhaired boy's condition Heero tried to think of every positive aspect.   
_'Why is he staring at me?'_ Duo thought to himself, shifting uneasily. _'Do I look that freakish?'   
_"Um…ready," Duo finally broke the silence and held up his suitcase.

_I haven't been here long enough to know   
Every time I feel this I just lose control   
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful   
I wish that this would just go, go_

Heero shook himself back to reality, realizing that he was staring at the braided boy. "Great, then let's go. They're expecting us." He forced a smile, and held out a hand offering to take Duo's one piece of luggage. Duo, at first, glared at the hand confused. Realizing what Heero was doing, he shook his head. 

"No, Heero, I've got it."

"It's all right, Duo, let me take it." He took the sole piece of luggage from the longhaired boy.

Duo shrugged and walked to the door. "Come on, Heero. Let's go so it can be over with."

***

He glowered at each of the chattering guests as he stood by the punch bowl. Alone and seemingly forsaken, Duo stood by himself. He had no idea where Heero had gone, and was rather offended that the Japanese boy had not stayed by his side.  
_"Why would he?" _The voice responded to Duo's thoughts._ "This is a joyous occasion; you'd ruin his mood."  
_Duo sighed at this and poured him a glass of punch. _'Mm, maybe.' _He had learned how to communicate with the voice. _'Guess you're right about him hating me…'  
"Of course I am. You so obviously have figured it out."  
'Yeah, it is obvious I suppose…but then why has he taken me in?' _Duo inquired.  
_"Some things cannot be explained. However, it doesn't matter *why*. The point is he cannot stand the sight of you. I'm quite positive he wished for you to kill yourself."  
'He stopped me - twice.' _Duo took a sip of the punch.  
The voice seemed to ignore Duo's silent comment. _"The punch tastes good, doesn't it Duo?"  
_Duo took another gulp of the red liquid. There was a familiar taste to it…one that warmed his body.  
_'Oh, god, this is good…' _He gulped the drink down in one swallow.  
_"Bet it is. Get more, Duo. Doesn't it taste familiar?" _Retorted the voice.  
_Alcohol.'_ Duo muttered. _'Finally…I've craved it for so long now.' _He poured himself yet another glassful.  
  
_I feel so alone  
From all I've become  
I'll take you down  
I feel so down  
I'm water while you drown  
  
_Heero stood at the opposite end of the extravagant ballroom with Wufei observing the couples dancing. Trowa and Quatre were in the center of the dancers.  
"Rather nice, wasn't it?" Wufei commented on the wedding.  
Heero remained quiet. He cast a glance at Duo who stood by the hors d'oeuvre table. Earlier before the wedding service, Duo had made it quite clear with body language that he wanted to be alone. Heero understood that part of him felt as if Duo wasn't getting better at all. Instead, it seemed that perhaps he had sunken deeper into the bowels of depression. The psychiatrist, however, had made it clear that Duo was progressing.   
But from the looks of it, that didn't seem to be a possibility.   
  
_You're lifted while I'm down  
I'm cancer in your womb  
I'm the needle in your spoon, but…  
  
_Into his fourth glass, Duo felt the need to sit down. The alcohol, for the first time, was not dousing his sorrows as it once did. For some reason, it seemed as if his grief was deepening. He found a chair in the corner, and with a full glass of the alcoholic punch, he sat down. The happy and cheerful voices of the guests were drowned as his mind swirled.  
"What's wrong with me?" He said aloud to no one but the voice dwelling in his mind.  
_"Everything, of course." _The voice replied. _"You're a sick individual. Haven't you come to understand that?"  
'I know I am…I'm sick…I'm a disgrace.'  
"Yes, that you are. It's important to come to terms with such things."  
'Why can't I be loved?'_ Duo's mind spun in maelstrom of hateful and angry thoughts.  
_"You're disgusting. No one could love you. EVER. Have you not been able to comprehend that? What did Wufei say when you were at  
Quatre's a little over a month ago? He said you shouldn't have been invited. You shouldn't be here now. What's the use? There's not a person near you. No one cares, nor will they ever care, about you. Stop questioning that fact. Just listen to me."  
_Duo knew there were tears in his eyes; and he understood he could not prevent them from falling. He hated himself; he hated the fact that everyone else hated him. He hated life, period.  
He sat up in his chair and glared at every person within the room. Feeling the overwhelming sense of hatred, he screamed, "WHY?!"    
For one brief moment, the entire room fell silent. The pianist, violinists, cellists, and other musicians ceased their music. Heero recognized the voice quite clearly. That could have been none other than Duo. Pushing his way through the silent guests, he rushed to Duo's side. By this time, Duo understood what he had done, and glared at the floor embarrassed. The tears hit the black and white tile as he silently sobbed. He had made an utter fool of himself; no wonder he was hated.  
"Duo," Heero knelt beside the one he loved, "what's wrong? What happened?"  
Duo let out a loud sob. From this sob, Heero could detect the alcohol on Duo's breath. Heero, understanding, knew he could not keep Duo there. Carefully, he urged Duo to stand. Duo did, and looked at him with full, tearful eyes. Heero wiped the tears away with his thumb. "It's okay, Duo," he whispered, and led him out of the room not bothering to look back.  
  
_I haven't been here long enough to know  
Every time I feel this I just lose control  
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful  
I wish that this would just go, go  
  
_Duo huddled on Heero's living room floor a day later feeling ashamed of his behavior. What could Heero possibly think of him now?  
_"Great display," _the voice jeered. _"You made a fool of yourself. And you question why you're so unloved…"  
_Duo pulled his knees close to his body. "It doesn't matter," he said aloud.  
"What's that, Duo?"  
Duo looked up to see Heero standing before him. "Nothing," he muttered.  
"Duo…" Heero whispered, and sat on the floor beside him. With shaking arms, he pulled Duo close to him. The longhaired boy didn't resist. A loving hand stoked the mass of chestnut hair. Duo leaned into Heero's embrace…he didn't know what it meant, and for once he ignored the taunting voice within his mind. Heero's arms felt so good…so safe.  
Heero inhaled deeply, trying to muster the courage to say what he knew must be said. "I love you," he muttered silently.  
Unknowingly, Duo wrapped his arms around Heero's waist and buried his face in the Japanese man's shoulder as the tears fell without restraint.  
The voice screamed and opposed the new feeling of affection, but Duo ignored it.  
  
_Just  
Just  
Just  
Just go  
Go   
Go  
  
"You're just fooling yourself!"_ It protested.  
Heero pulled Duo closer, allowing him to weep on his shoulder.

_  
__All these fucking lies  
All your fucking lies  
  
_For a brief moment, Duo felt content.  
  
***  
Comments? Criticism? We want to know what you think! ~Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2__


	11. Chapter Eleven: Scheme

The Depths of a Black Haze  
by Eternally1x2  
and   
Mystical1x2

Disclaimer: We don't own GW. Hasn't that been made clear? Not only do we not own GW, we don't own the song used in this chapter, either. ::sigh:: Sadly, this great song belongs to the incredibly talented band – Flaw. 

Warnings: Angst, insanity, switched over to Duo's POV…

Chapter Eleven: Scheme

_It woke up in me years ago, how this was meant to be  
All of those falsehoods plain to see, they dug  
and hung their greed_

So dark…where am I?

My head hurts. Oh, god, it hurts to sit up. This room seems familiar. Wait…I'm not alone, am I? I hear breathing. There's someone in this bed with me. Heero. 

That means I'm in his bed. What am I doing here…?

And what is this strange feeling? I don't seem to remember much. I don't know why I'm in Heero's bed. I'm not complaining, though. I _do_ remember what he said to me: "I love you."

I feel my body relaxing against the headboard and pillow. The truth and honesty in his voice – I know he wasn't lying. 

_"I love you…"_

What do these strange words _really_ mean? 

_'Nothing.' _

No…not this evil bastard again… '_The words did mean something. Heero meant what he was saying.'_

_'No, afraid not. Poor, delusional idiot.'  
_Delusional?

_'How can you trust so easily? As often as you've been hurt, one would think you'd be wearier of the lies others speak. People speak nothing but lies. You, if you can't believe that, are a pathetic, delusional idiot. You deserve this pain.'_

Shit…why must I hear this? Are _these_ words true? Or are Heero's? 

_'These are your words. You don't lie do you, Duo? So whom will you believe? _

No…god, no, I want to trust Heero. I love him. I always have loved him…he said he loved me.

_'You can't love. You can't be loved.'_

"You're wrong…" I said that aloud, didn't I? I look over at Heero. He remains undisturbed.

I can't stay here. Not with him…not if that voice is correct. I feel my feet hit the floor.

_'Good, Duo. You're doing something right. Get away from him.'_

I must get away.

I'm walking to the door. There's too much pain. I want it to go away…it won't go away if I stay here. 

_Will there be profit you could see, if only we were blind_

_Lonely and sheltered, your life is free but it's_

_Still one step behind_

My hand hesitates, hovering over the doorknob.  Should I open the door?  Open it and escape the pain?

_'What are you waiting for, idiot?  Leave this wretched hellhole.  Leave behind the one who lies to you the most.'_

Heero?  Is he talking about Heero?

Heero doesn't lie to me, does he?

**DOES HE**???

_'You don't get it, do you?  Pathetic excuse for a human being…'_

_'Heero can't lie to me.  He said he loves me.  He's said it before, countless times.  I know he wouldn't lie.'_

_'There is just no helping you, is there?'_

I hold my head in pain, wishing for the voice to go away.  Why won't it go away and leave me alone?

I lean against the bedroom door and slowly slide to the floor, head still clutched in between my two hands.  God, the pain is unbearable…so fucking unbearable…

God, please, I beg you…make it stop…please…

_'You poor freak.  There is no getting rid of me, no matter how hard you try.  You're beyond help.  Not even your so-called Savior can save you.  Give it up already.'_

_'Shut up, just please shut up.'_

_'Why should I, moron?  That would take all the fun out of it.'_

_'I don't really see how this can be called fun…'_

_'Oh, but it is…it is…'_

It's getting harder to suppress my screaming.  I don't want to wake Heero…I don't want him to know I'm suffering…he thinks I'm getting better…I can't let him find out I was lying…

_'It's so hard not to laugh at you.  You're just so damn pathetic.  He's going to find out…can't you see that?  You can't hide it forever.'_

He's right…I can't hide it forever.

Giving in to the temptation, I scream, not caring if the whole fucking world hears.

_Just like me, they tried their rules on me  
they tried their rules on me, me, me  
I broke those chains and fucking split   
and so you, and so you, and so you_

_Pass all the fascist asses, ignore those classes  
of bottleneck masses_

"STOP IT!" I'm so tired of this bullshit. I don't care what Heero thinks…I can all ready feel him by my side. I woke him up, and I don't care. I don't care about anything. 

_'Of course you don't, you disgraceful piece of shit.'_

I let the words fly by me because new ones are entering my ears, "what happened, Duo? What are you doing?"

I can feel Heero's hands on me. They're like fire – the feel his finger tips burns my skin. I want him to stop touching me. I want the lies to stop.   
I pull my arm away from his touch. "Leave me alone, Heero," I think I say, although I'd bet anything the words came out jumbled.   
I find myself standing to my feet and glaring down at his unusually confused face. "If you really want to help me, then leave alone."  
He stands also. "Duo, what's going on? Tell me," I hear him demand.  
I glare defiantly into his eyes. "You. You and your lies. I'm tired of being lied to by everyone. I'm tired of being hated." I'm practically shouting now. I think I see a look of hurt in his eyes, but I can't be sure. Something from within my mind says it's just an illusion. 

"Duo, I don't know what you're saying. I've never lied to you," he retorts.

_'Yeah, sure. Another lie.'_

"You know, Heero, it would be a lot better for both of us if you just stopped with everything. Just leave me to myself…stop trying to fool because I'm not going to let myself fall for it anymore.

_'Good…finally you understand…'_

I do understand. I don't know what clicked within me, but I can see right through Heero now. He's nothing more than another deceiver. Just like everyone else…I'm completely alone. There's no one who understands or cares. 

_'Because it's impossible to care about a loser.'_

A loser. Me. It's impossible to care about me. But…why do I see that glint of pain in Heero's eyes? He looks so confused. Have I hurt him?

_'No, don't let yourself be fooled.'_

"Duo…?"

_'Enough.'_

"Enough, Heero."  
I pull the door open and walk from the room. I cross the hallway, and look back at Heero. He's gaping at me from the doorway.

_'You were right, weren't you? He doesn't care. He never cared.' _

He never cared. I lock myself in the bathroom across the hallway, and sink back to the floor. Everything is completely hopeless.

_Producing an all but awful silence, delivering a_

_Section of all the money stole and spent_

_As you start to recognize, you're in the game_

_Growing afflictions head to toe, this never_

_Should have been_

_'You're still crying, aren't you?'_

I am?  When did I start?

What do I have to cry over?  A person like me deserves no sympathy.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?

What in God's name is wrong with me?

_'What a bullshit question.  You know the answer.  Why bother asking?'_

I don't know the answer…God damn it, I just don't know…

_'Stop running from the truth, you pathetic excuse for a human being.  You know what's wrong with you.'_

I'm sick.

_'That you are.'_

I'm a loser.

_'Two for two.  That's my boy.'_

I deserve no happiness.

_'Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?'_

I don't have the right to live.

_'End it, Duo…you can end it.'_

End it…I can end it…

End all the pain.  Enter eternal bliss.

_'Yes, Duo…you have the chance…doesn't bliss sound so sweet right now?'_

I hear another voice push through…sounds like Heero.

"Duo!"

I hear banging.  He's banging on the door.

"Duo!  Open up, please…"

_'He doesn't care.  He just wants to see you suffer.'_

More banging.

I hear my name again.

More sobs escape my lips.  I can't stop them.  It's not like I want them to stop…they're comforting in a weird sense.  My sobs make me realize I'm alive…I'm dead.

I should be dead.

Why can't I be dead?

_'You can be, you fool.'_

"Duo, I know you're in there…open up this instant!"

God, why won't he shut the fuck up?

_'He wants you to suffer…he doesn't care whether you live or die…do you want to continue living this way?'_

No…I don't want this…I want this to end…

I feel insane.  I feel sick.

I want out of this.

More words enter my ears.

"Duo, if you don't open up, I'm going to break the door down!"

His voice…so full of emotion…for as long as I've known Heero, I've never known him to sound like he cares.

_'He's just fooling you…he wants to deceive you…he wants to see you hurt…it's what makes him happy.  Would someone who cares for you enjoy seeing you in pain?'_

No…

_'I'm right.  You know I'm right.  He doesn't love you.'_

I'm trying to drown out this voice.  I don't want to believe it.  I want to believe Heero loves me…

I know he does…

He has to…

Doesn't he?

_But placing blame is cowardly, restructure must begin  
will there be profit you could see, if only we were blind  
Lonely and sheltered your life is free, but it's   
still one step behind_

_'How may times must you hear it before you understand? He doesn't love you.'_

I don't care anymore. What does it matter? 

_'It causes you more pain when you try and believe he has love for someone like you. Are you so blindly stupid, you can't see the truth? Your pain stems from Heero.'_

No…no, it doesn't. It's you. Meaning…I'm causing my own pain. Then let me be in pain. I want Heero so badly.

_'Moron. He's the source of your pain.'_

Then let me be in pain. It's not anything unusual. 

I stand and open the door and come face to face with Heero. He looks scared. How strange…

_Yes and the playing board is you_

Let the pain flow. I want some comfort and being in his arms is comforting. Without thinking and before I know it, I throw my arms around him and sob. Crying may be weak, but it sure feels good…

He wraps me in a tight and warm embrace. It's like he does understand…like he does care.

_'You're wrong.'_

Then I'm wrong. Let me be played for a fool. Feeling loved is the best feeling in the world – even if it may be false. 

Comment?  Criticism?  We wanna know what you think! ~ Eternally 1x2 and Mystical1x2


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